Yet again

I'm really not sure why my mind has been running the coarse it has been lately. Being my mind though, it rarely asks for permission, it just does as it pleases. Let's take away the conversations that A and I had this weekend (real winners, let me tell you). As powerful as they were, my dream last night had nothing to do them at all. I know that you are all tired of me talking and whining about this, but it's still very prevalent in my life. It's frustrating me to no end that I can't let it go. It was a good dream, but why am I dreaming about this crap now?! I know for a fact that it's not going on on the other end. He couldn't care less what going on with me or how I'm doing. I mean nothing to him but bad memories. What kills me is how L has taken and listed him as one of his heroes and told him how proud him he is for being in a healthy relationship. I just want to scream F**K YOU! I am not the sole reason we had problems. You think maybe it had something to do with the drugs and not facing the demons inside? Maybe the lying, manipulation, and abuse had something to do with it? I was far from perfect when it came to us, but I am far from the only person to blame for it not working. Now I get to read him writing to her the same things that he wrote to me a long time ago.

Everything happens for a reason, right? What am I supposed to learn from this? Why won't he just go away and be happy out of view from me? Am I ever going to be able to just let it go? If so, when and how?

"Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by fighting back."
- Paul Erdos (1913-1996)