Ok people, listen up

Stop trying to figure things and other people out. One of the hardest lessons in life is to know that you are not going to understand everything. Think about it though. What normally happens when you can't figure something out? It consumes you. The questions run rampant. You can't sleep. You can't concentrate. Because it is all you can think about, it is all you talk about. Mainly all you know is that you just don't understand. Now tell me this, where does that get you? That's right, lack of sleep, concentration, and probably an upset tummy followed by a headache. Does it change what happened? Does person in question change? Does this person even know or care about the havoc they have caused?

Sorry folks but the answer is, no.

Do you know the line, "Don't cry over someone that won't cry over you"? It's the same thing really. Hopefully you have learned that you can't change people. And why would you want to? You want to be accepted and loved for who you are. You need to do the same in return. But you also need to realize that this person isn't you. They will do things that you may not approve of or you may disagree with. Trust me though; they will be the same way with you. You will do things that they don't like also.
So, it usually gives you one of two endings. 1) They have ended it and walked away. It is sad sometimes, but you can't change it. And what good is going to do for you to cry over it? Are they? Will it bring them back? Will it make them feel bad? No. Sorry, time to move on. One deep breathe and let it go. 2) You have to make the decision. This part of them that you don't like, is it worth walking away? Or can you live with it because you won't be able to change it. It is what it is and who they are. Take it or leave it.
Am I making any sense here? The short and sweet of it is that you can't change this person or what happened. It's done. Why make yourself sick from it? It is much easier to accept it and move on. You will also be a much happier person. Trust me.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.

Life is much more fun if you can sit back and enjoy its idiosyncrasies. Understand that you won't and don't have to understand it all.

Go Crazy

Ever think you're losing it? I think it all the time; actually, I'm starting to believe that it's already all gone. My father on the other hand would say that you have to have it before you can lose it. :) Frankly, if I never had it then I blame him for not sharing it. Ah yes, the blame game. It's never our own fault, is it?
I had a very rude awakening last night. I was on the phone with Brandon, and he and I were arguing, over something kind of stupid. But really, it hit me like a brick. I have so been here before. I have said in the past how similar he and Brett are. Well, they are a little too similar. As I listened to his ranting and ravings last night I finally got it. I was in this relationship eight years ago.
So, now is the big question. A asked me last night, if I had all the knowledge I do now regarding men and relationships but back before my marriage, would I still have married Brett? Without hesitation, No. Now Brett and Brandon are two different people. Brett did grow up some and mature a bit. Will Brandon? Will it be enough? Or is this just some fucked up karmic lesson?
Here's the other question she hit me with (which by the way I just now understand her point). If I knew that there was someone out there that was better than Brandon, had his own problems, but I had to wait for him, would I? Sneaky little thing, isn't she? Basically, what she was asking had to do with Brandon growing and maturing. See, everyone that has met him says he's a good guy; he just has some growing up to do.
In the end, it really doesn’t matter. He’s not here. But I understand what she was getting at. (Took me long enough huh?)

said...over...done

I am stealing this from my cousin. Thanks for the idea; it's a very good way to end this week. After this I get a 3 day weekend and time with my sister. Everyone enjoy your holiday!

1) List 10 things that you want to say to people.
2) Do not say who they are.
3) Never discuss it again.


1) Thank you so very much for everything you do. You have such a genuine soul. You are thoughtful, sweet, kind, and caring. I could go on and on. You are one the very few people that I truly have nothing bad to say about. I am blessed to have you in my life, and forever grateful to call you friend.
2) You, my dear, are at an age where I don't need to tell you right from wrong. Unfortunately, life's lessons only get harder at this age. If you’re anything like me, you'll learn them on your own and the hard way. Just never forget how much I love you.
3) Ah, yes, the rock. You're one tough cookie, aren't you. Life has thrown most of its challenges at you already. Just wait, I'm sure that there's a few more. Thing of it is that you always come out sunny side up. You work through it and make it your own. I am so very proud of you.
4) I owe you an apology. You were there for me when no one else was and I let you down. The very worst of me has come out in our relationship. I am truly sorry.
5) You are a good friend. I know that you have a good heart and for the most part mean well. There are times though that you are extremely selfish. Selfish in all the wrong ways, with all the wrong people. For my well being, this is thank you, and good bye.
6) I hate you! I wish I didn't because it uses so much energy but I do. I thank and curse the lessons you taught me. You are so spoiled and used to getting everything your way. You have never been alone. Someone has always been there to catch you. Just once I want to see you flat on your ass!
7) I blame you two for the last one. Get off your high horses. If you could have opened your eyes to begin with, maybe, just maybe. But no. You see things as you want to see them and with extreme judgment. Ignorance sure is bliss.
8) To be half the person you are. I know that I have let you down in many ways. But I have always tried. Thank you for the constant and unconditional love you have given over the years.
9) I hope and pray for you daily. Just give me the chance and I will love you like no other. I very much look forward to the day we get to meet.
10) Last but most certainly not least. You are the constant on my mind. I have tried and tried, you don't listen. I love you. I want to be with you. It isn't a matter of being strong. I have heard the exact same things before. Over and over again. You are never there for me. You have missed so much and let me down so many times. I offered. I tried. I have nothing in return. The only thing being given to me to hang on to is empty words and broken promises. As much as I do love you, it takes two and more than love alone to make it work.

Wave upon wave

This really sucks! One minute I'm ok and the next I'm in tears. It comes in waves. To be honest I don't know how I feel. I know it's normal. I know I'll be just fine. But right now, this really sucks! For me when a relationship comes to an end it's like the flashback episode of a TV show. Right now, I'm remembering everything.
Thank you for all the love and encouragement. Please no clichés. I have been here before and know them all, but thanks. I really don't want to talk about it. I also don't want to just go out a find someone else. I don't want anyone right now. Not true, I still want him. I still love him. There isn't anything anyone can say or do, but once again thanks.
I just have to live with my decision. No regrets, right. I am still fighting the urge to call or text him and take it all back. But that's not going to happen. Have I said how very much this sucks yet?! I keep hoping he'll just show up and fight for me. Or someone will call him and tell him how much of an idiot he is. I know, none of that is going to happen. I have always wanted someone to fight for me though.
Want a cliché or something extremely cheesy anyway? The only person that is going to fight for me is me. Now please excuse me while I go throw up.

Time to join a convent

My experience in breaking up has been about 50/50. I have dumped and been dumped. I don't really think I'd call this a dumping though. Mainly because I've been crying my heart out all morning. Of coarse, I didn't cry at all yesterday, but I haven't slept in two nights. I was numb to it at first. Plus he had said that he was going to call and keep calling. He did call on his lunch yesterday but not last night. I know that that is how it should be. But that's when it home for me. It's really over.
My past break ups were different. Sure I had some beg, plead, and cry for me to take them back. But I didn't love them and it was easy for me to move on. There was one, when I hung up the phone; I actually danced around the room because I was so happy to have it over. That was my first adult break up. Hey, when it's not right, it's not right.
It took everything I had not to call or send him a text last night. Now, I am second guessing myself. I didn't think it would be this hard. I mean, it's not like I should miss him. He's hasn't been here anyway. The other odd thing is that I am angry with him this morning. I so want to yell and scream at him right now. But I can't stop crying long enough to say anything. My head is spinning. My heart is torn apart. I am a fucking mess.

Moving on I guess

So once again Brandon has pushed the date he's coming back. Now he has promised his daughter that he'll be back by her birthday. That is July 23, or something right in there. I just want to call her and tell her not to get her hopes up; he'll change it again. I told him last night that I'm not waiting even one more month, much less two. He's pulling the same thing he did last month. He is begging me to wait and swearing he'll be back. He just doesn't understand that I'm done. Every time something comes up to change it. They are all understandable excuses. But excuses nonetheless. I do understand them and why he's there. But it's always something and never me. He said he is going to call me on his lunch break today so I can yell at him. Seriously, though, I'm not mad, I'm done.

Saturday night A made a comment to some people that my life has been on hold for as long as she's known me. Ouch. Things like that only hurt so much because they are so true. I've been waiting for the office to close so I can move on from here. I've been waiting for Brandon to come back so we can start a life together. I have a job interview tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed. And I told Brandon last night that as much as I do love him, I just can't wait anymore. Last but not least, A is putting the condo back on the market today. So, I might die a lonely old maid, but this is what I need to do right now. One of my most used quotes is from Some Kind of Wonderful, “I’d rather be alone for the right reasons, than with someone for the wrong.” I’m not with Brandon for wrong reasons. I do love him very much. I just don’t feel like I’m actually with him or ever really will be.

Picture Perfect

I had a very sheltered childhood. Born in New York on an air force base. My parents didn't want to raise military brats so he got out and we moved to Monroe, Washington where he got his PHD and my first sister was born. The summer before my first grade year we moved to Katy, Texas. Two more sisters came along and we lived in the same house in Memorial Parkway until I graduated high school. My family moved to Alaska the day after my graduation and I followed a year and half later.
My dad grew up in Ft. Collins, Colorado. Our grandparents and a set of aunt, uncle, and cousins still lived there. So many a summer vacation was spent in Colorado, or a least part of it. We would camp, hike, and fish all over this state. I would always read the sign as we entered "Welcome to Colorful Colorado". I'll do the summer vacation stories another time. Believe it or not, I do have a point with all of this.
Alaska was never home to me. Texas is where I grew up and will always have a place in my heart, but as they say, "You can always go home, but you can never go back." I was very little when we left Washington and younger when we left New York. I have pictures in my head of memories from Washington but not much. We visited one year on vacation and I went through with Brett once too. As little as I was when I left, I still found the red barn next to the street that lead to our house almost 18 years later.
Now, I'm about to get to my point. It is a bit weird, but completely true. No judging.
All these years I've had this picture in my head. Me, in a car, at the top of hill looking down over the street ahead and the mountains in the background. There are buildings, telephone wire, and trees. I have had this image for so long that I thought it was a memory from Monroe. When I found the barn with Brett, I went looking for that hill. It just wasn't there. I blew it off to the fact that I was little when we left and I just didn't know where to find it.
A few months ago I was driving into work and stopped at this light at the top of the hill before I merge onto I25. I've made this drive for practically three years. But there it was. My hill with mountains in the background, the buildings, telephone wires, and trees. I don't know how to explain it. But that was the picture I had been carrying around for so many years, to a T. I see it every morning now. The feeling is unexplainable. You may think I'm crazy, but it so real.
I moved from one coast to the next. My sheltered upbringing didn't shelter me from many of life's pitfalls. And at 33 I still am trying to decide where I want to be. I have one rock though. This is where I belong. Colorado is home. This morning is sunny and was 70 degrees by the time I left the house, absolutely gorgeous morning. As I sat there on my hill looking out I got this sense of calm. If I have nothing else in my life, I am home. No matter how bad things are or get in my life, I am home. Some people search all their life for where they belong. It is a truly amazing feeling and I wish it for everyone. I love this freakin state!