Simply forgettable

I've been thinking a lot about B lately. For the second morning in a row I cried in the car on the way to work. I don't know if I'm finally mourning the loss, or if it has to do with the recent dating exploits, or with the contact I had with S. I'd like to say I'm feeling numb, but that can't be true because I can't stop crying. I just don't know why. I'm definitely feeling a loss. I have very little motivation to chat with these guys on match. It takes everything I have to be cheerful and not negative. My hearts not in it anymore. It's somewhere in Florida.
What went wrong with B? Drug and alcohol abuse. Physical abuse. Something darker. I still remember the day we met. Just as clearly as the day he came home and told me he didn't love me. I remember it all as if it were yesterday. He lied to me, he cheated on me, he beat me, did he love me? Does he ever think about me? For me there are daily reminders. Here I go fucking crying again. I really do want to know that he thinks about me and smiles, every once in a while. I loved him with all my heart. I never do anything half assed. I pour everything I am into all I do. I tried so very hard to make it work. I just want to fucking know that I'm not forgettable. I remember everything, everyone, every touch, every sound, every scent, every moment I have ever come in contact with. I want to have meant something to someone. I want someone someday to be thinking I wonder what she's doing now. I'm very forgettable. No one thinks about me. I'm done with match. I don't need to be forgotten by anyone else.