Footprints

Ok, today's gonna be a bit different topic. BR has been pushing me a lot lately to go to church. Of coarse when I tell D or my parents, they agree. My issues with the church go way back. I have stated many times that I have my own relationship with God, he and I have an understanding. It's a shame that I feel most comfortable in a Catholic Church because their high and mighty, holier than thou attitude is half my problem. I was taught a very long time ago that choosing a religion is kind of like choosing a best friend. You find the one that you have the most in common with, because no two are identical you will never agree on everything. The other lesson is that the bible is interpreted by human beings. Remember the gossip game in school? One person tells a secret to another and they pass it down the line. Usually, by the time it has reached the end of the line it's nothing close to what was first said. We take what we hear and read and turn it into our own words and meanings.
When my divorce went through I tried going back to church. I even taught for a year. My problem was that I felt I was branded by the Scarlett Letter. I never talked about it with anyone there, and yet I felt that they knew and were judging me. Why? Right after B left I went to Alaska for Christmas with the family. Mom and I went by a church to say hi to an old family friend, the priest that married us. He never came out to say hi. We left their number and mine. I never heard from him. For me it was a huge slap in the face. I took it very personaly. I still feel that I disgraced him by breaking the vows and that's why he won't talk to me. Yes, he is only human, but I hold servants of the Holy Order to a higher level. I know I shouldn't, but I do.
So why don't I want to go to church? My faith runs deeper than anyone would ever know, but it's mine. It's a very personal relationship. I have thought at times that he let me down. Yet I know that the one set of footprints in the sand is him carrying me, not leaving me. I don't need to go to church to build my faith or prove I'm christian. Walking in that building won't make me a better person. I don't need or want to hear some blowhole tell me how to live my life, what the lessons of the bible are, or his version of the faith. I listened to my Michael W Smith yesterday and today. This morning's song "I Miss the Way" brought me to tears. Do I miss being able to go to church? Yes. It used to make me feel good. Now the thought of walking in there terrifies me and makes me sick to my stomach.
For now, he loves me and I love him. We talk daily. He does not judge me for not going to church, he knows.

P.S. Feel free to comment. I'm always open to other opinions and points of view, or just tell me I'm crazy. You wouldn't be the only one thinking that.