The hard way

Today's horoscope...
You can't decide what you want to say versus what you should keep to yourself. This dilemma may not have one correct answer. You feel like you're on a seesaw as you swing back and forth between expression and retreat. Try not to go too far in either direction as you reveal yourself gradually.

Like I don't have that problem every day. Unfortunately, I learn the hard way who I can trust and who I can't. Truth be told, I learn just about everything the hard way. I have no idea why. I wish I knew. I wish I had that sixth sense to let me know about people and life. I've been told that I do and I just don't listen to it. I can't deny that one. I usually don't listen when people straight out tell me certain things either. I'm much too stubborn. That's the Irish, German, bull in me.
It also makes me a doormat. I trust and trust and trust again, all the wrong people. Deep down I know that I'm going to be let down. For some reason, yet to be figured out, I do it. These people can read others and know they can do this with me. I'm fairly easy to read, so it's not difficult for them. I get lied to, cheated on, and walked on constantly. When I try to stand up for myself I'm made to feel like 1) I'm letting them down or 2) I'm being unreasonable. Great, huh.
I am one those people that will go out my way for those I care about. I do anything at any time that I possibly can. Even things I shouldn't do sometimes. Anyone who knows me knows that. I bend over backwards and put myself in situations in which I'm extremely uncomfortable and unhappy to make them happy. I'm the one that deals.
I see some of what I put out there returned. But nothing from the ones I expect it the most from. I don't think I have great expectations or even unreasonable ones. I never ask for than I am willing to give of myself. I heard last week that in relationships there is no such thing as unconditional love. Everyone has a breaking point. I am only human, just like you, and can only deal with so much.
So think, honestly think, before you ask something of me. Because I will do it. Would you do it yourself?

A Brief History

Here's the beginning of the day that men around the world curse and despise.

As early as the fourth century B.C., the Romans engaged in an annual young man's rite to passage to the God Lupercus. The names of the teenage women were placed in a box and drawn at random by adolescent men; thus, a man was assigned a woman companion for the duration of the year, after which another lottery was staged. After eight hundred years of this cruel practice, the early church fathers sought to end this practice... They found an answer in Valentine, a bishop who had been martyred some two hundred years earlier.
According to church tradition St. Valentine was a priest near Rome in about the year 270 A.D. At that time the Roman Emperor Claudius-II who had issued an edict forbidding marriage.
This was around when the heyday of Roman empire had almost come to an end. Lack of quality administrators led to frequent civil strife. Learning declined, taxation increased, and trade slumped to a low, precarious level. And the Gauls, Slavs, Huns, Turks and Mongolians from Northern Europe and Asian increased their pressure on the empire's boundaries. The empire was grown too large to be shielded from external aggression and internal chaos with existing forces. Thus more of capable men were required to be recruited as soldiers and officers. When Claudius became the emperor, he felt that married men were more emotionally attached to their families, and thus, will not make good soldiers. So to assure quality soldiers, he banned marriage.
Valentine, a bishop , seeing the trauma of young lovers, met them in a secret place, and joined them in the sacrament of matrimony. Claudius learned of this "friend of lovers," and had him arrested. The emperor, impressed with the young priest's dignity and conviction, attempted to convert him to the roman gods, to save him from certain execution. Valentine refused to recognize Roman Gods and even attempted to convert the emperor, knowing the consequences fully.
On February 24, 270, Valentine was executed.
"From your Valentine"
While Valentine was in prison awaiting his fate, he came in contact with his jailor, Asterius. The jailor had a blind daughter. Asterius requested him to heal his daughter. Through his faith he miraculously restored the sight of Asterius' daughter. Just before his execution, he asked for a pen and paper from his jailor, and signed a farewell message to her "From Your Valentine," a phrase that lived ever after.
Valentine thus become a Patron Saint, and spiritual overseer of an annual festival. The festival involved young Romans offering women they admired, and wished to court, handwritten greetings of affection on February 14. The greeting cards acquired St.Valentine's name.
The Valentine's Day card spread with Christianity, and is now celebrated all over the world. One of the earliest card was sent in 1415 by Charles, duke of Orleans, to his wife while he was a prisoner in the Tower of London. The card is now preserved in the British Museum.

I have heard this day called a Hallmark holiday. It's the excuse men use to blame it on commercialism and not have to do anything. Yes, all holidays have been commercialized. Still. I new a guy sometime ago that said Valentine's Day is for the men that don't do shit the rest of the year. It's not like you can forget it like her birthday or your anniversary. It's all around, so here's your chance to really suck up. Anyway. Happy Valentine's Day. I wish you all a life filled with unconditional, deep, true love.

Singles Awareness Day

It's getting to the point now where I hate the holidays. All of them. Growing up they were attached to very nice family traditions. Then I started my own as I got older and tried to start my own family. All of that has come crashing down. My holiday decorations haven't left their boxes since 2000. They have since become a day where I think nostalgically about the happy past, but end up spending the day alone. Yup, it's official, I hate them.
It's not like you can just ignore the fact that they're here. They surround you. It's on TV. It's online. It's on the radio. It's in the stores. People wish you happy what the fuck ever. It's everywhere.
I have been told that it could be worse. I'll admit that I have a loving boyfriend, great friends, and a very supportive family. Still. The loving boyfriend has been over 700 miles away for every single holiday so far. The great friends have their own life to live. And the very supportive family has their lives too. No matter which friends or family I end up being with, it's just not the same. And when it comes to tomorrow, none of them can fill that void. Being the most wonderful people that they are though, they really try. So yeah, I know, I'm very lucky. Lucky and alone. I know, whine, whine, whine. (I'm getting good at it.)
I don't need gifts or special plans for the day. I just don't want to be alone for it. Nobody does, I don't care what you say. I really am very to please. It's the simple, everyday things that make me smile. That only makes me even easier to let down. So tomorrow night will consist of a bottle of wine, the TV, and me. Watching some sappy Valentine's Day episode of my shows and crying. (I already cried at one of them last night.) Thursday it will all be over and they will have stocked the shelves for St. Patrick's Day.