Goodwill to All

Ok, before I start my story there are some things you need to know. I started off life a very happy child. I believed the best in everyone and was scared of no one. I wasn't shy. I was playful, had no self esteem issues, and trusted everybody. Then I had to grow up to experience life and love. Now the jaded, cynical me looks at that little girl and wonders, what the fuck she was thinking. There are times though, when she comes out to play, and I miss her. There are times when I wish I were still that naive. Because now I don't believe in anything and I trust no one. This story is close to my heart. It's a story I've only shared with one other living soul. It's cheesy as hell, and if you degrade it, you will be blocked.

I wish I could remember the year it was. I know for a fact I was with Eddie at the time. So it was probably 1992. I love to do anything that has to do with the holidays. Outdoor concerts, lighting ceremonies, parades, you name it, I'm there. This was an outdoor concert and light show, no big names, just put on by AT&T I believe. Houston is a big city, so there were thousands of people there. I was maybe ten rows back in the crowd and having a great time. Sometime in the middle of the concert, something hit me (a light going on kind of thing). The band was playing the Christmas Song and the crowd was singing along. The entire crowd was singing along. Thousands of people, races, religions, people. It was the biggest family reunion I have ever seen. I just froze as the chills ran down my back. It was so powerful a display of humanity that I know even God was crying.

I went to school when kids could have birthday parties, Christmas parties, Halloween costumes, valentine’s parties, art classes, P.E., and field day. Now our schools and government are teaching our kids that those things are not ok. Instead of teaching them about the other religions, they tell them that we can't have the party because of them. Breeding hate, distrust, and elitism. No wonder these children are so violent nowadays. We haven't taught them acceptance, appreciation, and tolerance. We've taken all that away.

Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times. ~Kate L. Bosher

Peace on Earth

One week until the holidays begin. I just don't feel it. Seriously, it's to hot outside for the middle of November. This coming from the girl that grew up in Texas. Nevertheless. There is a reason I don't live there now. I like having 4 seasons. I want the chill in the air and snow on the ground for the holidays, no, I will not move back to Alaska either. They don't have 4 seasons. They have 3...this winter, next winter, and last winter.
I'm also not feeling that "holiday spirit." To be honest, I don't think I have for years. Christmas used to be my favorite time of year. I have at least 5 boxes of decorations, and that's not counting the tree. That's not what Christmas is about for me though. It's not about the gifts or even (and don't hate me for this) the birth of Christ. Now before you get all upset, it is a part of it for me. Understand though that we live in world were not everyone believes in Christ. Christmas is so much more than all that for me. For me the "holiday spirit" is just that. It's the human spirit. It used to be the one time of year when we all wore our hearts on our sleeves.
I promise to tell my holiday story tomorrow. I gotta run now.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. ~Jay Leno

Yet again

I'm really not sure why my mind has been running the coarse it has been lately. Being my mind though, it rarely asks for permission, it just does as it pleases. Let's take away the conversations that A and I had this weekend (real winners, let me tell you). As powerful as they were, my dream last night had nothing to do them at all. I know that you are all tired of me talking and whining about this, but it's still very prevalent in my life. It's frustrating me to no end that I can't let it go. It was a good dream, but why am I dreaming about this crap now?! I know for a fact that it's not going on on the other end. He couldn't care less what going on with me or how I'm doing. I mean nothing to him but bad memories. What kills me is how L has taken and listed him as one of his heroes and told him how proud him he is for being in a healthy relationship. I just want to scream F**K YOU! I am not the sole reason we had problems. You think maybe it had something to do with the drugs and not facing the demons inside? Maybe the lying, manipulation, and abuse had something to do with it? I was far from perfect when it came to us, but I am far from the only person to blame for it not working. Now I get to read him writing to her the same things that he wrote to me a long time ago.

Everything happens for a reason, right? What am I supposed to learn from this? Why won't he just go away and be happy out of view from me? Am I ever going to be able to just let it go? If so, when and how?

"Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by fighting back."
- Paul Erdos (1913-1996)

I'm already oldfashioned

I've been trying all morning to decide a topic for today. Once again my mind is full of it. From what conversations I had this weekend, to events that occurred this weekend, to blogs I read this morning, and lets not forget the random thoughts that jump in and out of my head at any given moment. With all the shit I'm full of my eyes really should be brown. BR asked what I was thinking this morning and my answer was that I'm trying not to. Here goes though.
I just had a patient in with her 2 year old son. She's a regular for adjustments because of that adorable little guy. Anyway he was pointing at the sign that lists the credit cards we accept here and she was telling him what each of them said. At that point we had to make the joke that her 4 year old daughter knows them all. It's very different from when she and I grew up. When I went out with friends my parents made sure that I had a quarter to call them if I needed too. Now, not only is it more than 25 cents to use a pay phone, but everyone has cell phones. They put fake credit cards and cell phones in toy purses for little girls nowadays. You don't have to worry about having a camera with you anymore to catch those Kodak moments. It's on your phone. The year after I graduated high school is when they installed metal detectors in them. When I turned 16 I got my license and freedom. Now new drivers have the states regulating the who, what, when, where, and why of driving. And computers, wow. I had DOS, RAM, and a black screen with green writing. Just last night A and I saw a commercial for a Lexus that will do the parallel parking for you. Gone are the days of walking to school up hill, both ways, in the snow, with no shoes.
I just wonder if our parents and grandparents thought the same thing that I am today. That kids today are either really spoiled or really not. There's not much of a middle class anymore. I wonder if they appreciate what they have and will appreciate the stories we tell them. Will they make fun of them the same we do? Have we taught them well enough? Is it as bad as we think is today verses yesterday? I watched The Village yesterday and completely understood them. I really wish that we could live in a happy medium of innocence and knowledge. Realistically though, I know better.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”
August Wilson quotes (1945-2005)

Here...There

A hates hororscopes because they tend to be to broad. I always check mine and BR's; mostly just for a laugh. Sometimes they hit too close to home.

Your friends may see you as quite stubborn today, even if you aren't expressing the real power of your desires. Perhaps you feel that what you really want is so far outside the range of acceptability that you refrain from telling them anything at all. This, in turn, can make you feel disconnected from others. It's not an all-or-nothing thing. Small risks will be rewarded.

Yesterday's hit me too, but I already mentioned that. Here's my issue lately 1) BR. Every other day he changes his mind. He's moving back here, I'm moving up there, and even when I get to see him next. 2) Dr. The deal was if no one bought the practice by the end of October then we would close by the end of the year. So the other day I asked what the next step was and got my head bit off. I just feel as though every time I think I know what's going on, everyone decides to change it on me. This is my life too that they are messing with. Yet, they don't seem to notice or even care.
Well, I feed BR the whole story the other night. He is being completely supportive and understanding. Then I talked to A about it last night. Here's exactly how she put it..."You're here, until you're there, and then you're there." Make any sense? It did to me. She even did the Grover here, there bit. I love that girl :lol:. Basically, don't let them control my life. It is my life, and I have to live it, and with the choices I make. No more letting them make all the decisions for me. Until, (and it may never happen) BR and I decide that I'm moving to WY, I'm here. I have to live here and when the other options come up, I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Am I making any sense? I made Dr a promise that I would stick it out here until the end of the year. That, I will do. I know for a fact how much BR loves me, and I love him. That is going to have to do for now.
I really wish I wasn't such a control freak. Luckily, it's just me that I have to control. I hate the unkown when it comes to my life. I know that I need to learn how to just let it be. That for me is a lot easier said than done. I don't know how to do it.

"Cheshire-Puss," she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. "Come, it's pleased so far," thought Alice, and she went on. "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't much care where-" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"-so long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."
Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll