Seriously!

Ok folks, no one is gonna like this one, and I don't give a damn.

I am so tired of people thinking that they are any better than everyone else. All they can do is see the one sided story of their pain. They forget the past when they get hurt. They think they are the only people alive that feel this way or have been let down. While in their misery they forget everyone else and do to them the same thing that they are complaining about. I'm not listing the specific ones that have shorted me lately. I don't need to rub anything in their faces, for it won't do any good. I have to say it though, Fuck you! You are not perfect either. Love is supposed to be unconditional. That includes the good, bad, and ugly. I know that I'm not one to talk right now, but I plan on working on it. Quit thinking that you are the only one alive to feel this way. You so are not. I don't need shit from you. I give it to myself on a daily basis. Be pissed off at me, but tell me. I can't read anyone's mind, and yes, sometimes get caught up in my own shit too. Call me on it. Just freakin tell me! I don't want to read about it in a text, blog, or email. Give me the same respect that you would want and tell me. I do my best. I'm a good person. I'm also not perfect and know that. Quit freakin thinking that you are!

When it rains

I got a call yesterday from my uncle with a very good job lead. What's my problem you ask? Well, the talk with BR and I had been that if this new job of his works out, I'd be moving up there in 3 months. So I've done the talking with BR, A, and my aunt. A says everything sounds perfect and go for it. My aunt says have the interview. That I don't have enough information to make any decisions yet. BR also says go for it. He told me that if the job is that good, then he won't take me out of it. He said he'd come back here. Once again your asking, what's my problem? I don't know. Everything seems to happening at once. BR is moving, A is putting the condo on the market today, my boss has new interests in the practice, and I have a very good job lead. It sounds as if it's all coming together. I'm a bit overwhelmed though. I called my uncle back this morning and asked him to set up the interview. As I've been telling BR all week, you never know if you don't try. So in my live life to the fullest mindset, I'm leaving no stone unturned. Enough cliches?! :) Ok, no more, just wish me luck.

The winds of change

Ok, so here's the news...BR is moving to Wyoming this weekend. Reasoning behind it will be available to those that require it. It's something he really wants, so I'm trying not to complain or cry in front of him. I told him last night that I don't want him to go, but I also said that that was the only time I was going to say it. He knows how I feel, but I also don't want to make him feel bad for doing something he really wants. I'm doing my best to be as supportive as I can. He said he'd come down every other weekend to see me and of coarse we have the telephone. I've never done a long distance relationship before. As a matter of fact I've avoided them at all cost. His plan is to check out the job and town (which by the way consists of nothing) for three months. At that point he'll either come back here or I'll go up there. Only time will tell.

My two cents worth

This one is to prove to A that I do what I say (at least I do my best). She and I had quite a discussion Saturday afternoon. There was a show on the History Channel comparing 9/11 to the eruption of Mt. Versuvious. Sparing the details of how, we got into a discussion about life, fate, destiny, God, and death. The unfortunate thing about my mind is that it contradics itself regularly, so bear with me. I believe firmly that God has a plan for each and every one of us. That to me ties into fate and destiny. I also believe that everything happens for a reason. That said, I also believe in free will. We are only human. I believe that no matter what path is laid before us, we don't always follow it. Humans are very far from perfect and will make more than a billion mistakes before our life is through. Yes, everything happens for a reason. That to me is God's way of trying to put us back on that path. He can only do so much though. Our free will is so strong that we rarely see his hand in our daily lives. How then can you be sure you have completed all you were supposed to before you die? Answer, you can't. You do your best. You live each day with no regrets. Leave nothing unsaid or undone at the end of each day. Never put off till tomorrow, for there might not be one. Look at 9/11 and Mt. Versuvious. They got up that morning and went along with their daily routines. There was not a single sign of the destruction about to happen. Their lives were taken within a matter of seconds. Our daily routines take over and we easily get caught in the rat race. So here come the cliches. Good or bad day, remember it may be your last. Did you do your best today? Did you accomplish your goals? Did you let your loved ones know what they mean to you? Did you share a smile with a complete stranger? Hold the door open for the next person? Forgive the unforgivable? The most precious gift ever given to us is that of life. It is the most valuable experience we will ever have, and you only get one chance at it. So go ahead and love, hate, be happy, sad, just make sure you live.

Second star to the right...

... and straight on till morning. It's very weird sometimes how my mind works. (No comments on that one) After my post yesterday I went and looked up Michael W Smith for music. He has this story about the first time he ever saw his wife you should check out. It's one of those love at first sight stories. As much as I say I don't believe in it, I want it. Kinda fucked up, I know. I thought about it all day yesterday. Every song I heard just dug it deeper. With each song all I think is do I mean that much to him? I want to. Have I earned that spot in his heart? Then I mourn the fact that I don't believe in it any longer. I grew up a dreamer. I wanted that knight in shinning armor and the happily ever after. Then life hit. To say I'm a bit jaded is an understatment. Now I don't know what to believe. Currently this is were I stand though. Nothing in life is perfect. I really still want a man that thinks I hung the moon and stars, but I believe that I have to earn that. I still wish upon stars every chance I get. I look forward to that happily ever after, but I know you have to work at that too. It all goes back to one my quotes "the more one knows, the less one believes." I hate growing up. I've always said it's down hill from 16. I guess what I want is someone to prove me wrong. I want to believe again. For now my fairy tale is a costume that comes off at the end of the day. I do know that a few thousand miles away there is a great man that will always believe in me, my dad. I also learned the other day that my sister thinks fairly highly of me too.


Please feel free to comment on this one. It can come from anyone. Tell me your feelings on that white horse and the castle in the clouds.

Footprints

Ok, today's gonna be a bit different topic. BR has been pushing me a lot lately to go to church. Of coarse when I tell D or my parents, they agree. My issues with the church go way back. I have stated many times that I have my own relationship with God, he and I have an understanding. It's a shame that I feel most comfortable in a Catholic Church because their high and mighty, holier than thou attitude is half my problem. I was taught a very long time ago that choosing a religion is kind of like choosing a best friend. You find the one that you have the most in common with, because no two are identical you will never agree on everything. The other lesson is that the bible is interpreted by human beings. Remember the gossip game in school? One person tells a secret to another and they pass it down the line. Usually, by the time it has reached the end of the line it's nothing close to what was first said. We take what we hear and read and turn it into our own words and meanings.
When my divorce went through I tried going back to church. I even taught for a year. My problem was that I felt I was branded by the Scarlett Letter. I never talked about it with anyone there, and yet I felt that they knew and were judging me. Why? Right after B left I went to Alaska for Christmas with the family. Mom and I went by a church to say hi to an old family friend, the priest that married us. He never came out to say hi. We left their number and mine. I never heard from him. For me it was a huge slap in the face. I took it very personaly. I still feel that I disgraced him by breaking the vows and that's why he won't talk to me. Yes, he is only human, but I hold servants of the Holy Order to a higher level. I know I shouldn't, but I do.
So why don't I want to go to church? My faith runs deeper than anyone would ever know, but it's mine. It's a very personal relationship. I have thought at times that he let me down. Yet I know that the one set of footprints in the sand is him carrying me, not leaving me. I don't need to go to church to build my faith or prove I'm christian. Walking in that building won't make me a better person. I don't need or want to hear some blowhole tell me how to live my life, what the lessons of the bible are, or his version of the faith. I listened to my Michael W Smith yesterday and today. This morning's song "I Miss the Way" brought me to tears. Do I miss being able to go to church? Yes. It used to make me feel good. Now the thought of walking in there terrifies me and makes me sick to my stomach.
For now, he loves me and I love him. We talk daily. He does not judge me for not going to church, he knows.

P.S. Feel free to comment. I'm always open to other opinions and points of view, or just tell me I'm crazy. You wouldn't be the only one thinking that.

All the leaves are falling

Fall is just about here. There's that morning chill in the air and the leaves have begun their change. The sun outside is decieving you, for it won't be that warm again for a while. Time to pull out your sweaters and coats. You get to snuggle a bit closer at night. You can already feel the hot cocoa and cider that runs through and warms you. Smell that chill that rushes through and wakes you up in the morning. Evenings bring the smell of burning leaves and fireplaces all a glow. See the candles in the window. You can even taste that turkey and warm apple pie. It's a different time of year. It always amazes how a change in temperature changes attitudes. For a short while we slow down. Summer vacations have ended and kids are back in school. We take the time to wish a nice day and give a smile. Holiday plans are in the making. Time for family and friends. Time to stop, think, and be grateful. Be sure you take that time. To all those that know, from my heart to yours... Thank you and I love you more and more everyday.

Onward and upward

Every now and then he suprises me, I mean really knocks me off my feet. I had written earlier about how he never talks to me when things go wrong. Last week for us was rough. We hit more than a couple road blocks. Me being me, I sat him down and told him exactly how it made me feel and what I needed to move forward. Last night he opened up to me. He told me how he felt about me and where he wants us to be. He said he is the luckiest guy alive. Why, you ask? Not because he's with me, but because he is with the person he loves (that just happens to be me). The answer couldn't have been better. I have also said that I'm not perfect and don't like being put on that pedestal. When I asked why me because I can be a real B***H. His reply was that everybody can. He was smart enough not to argue it with me. He told me that I am perfect for him. That he loves me unconditionally and wouldn't change a thing. Those words mean everything to me. For me, when you love someone for who they are, then you can't change anything about them. It doesn't mean you like it all. It means that you are aware that even the things that annoy the hell out you make that person who they are. If you change that, then you are changing them and what have you got then? When you love a person wholly you love the good, bad, and the ugly. We are taught young that you can't go into a relationship thinking you can change the other person. You don't have to like everything about them. That's part of life. Even the things that you don't like make them who they are. If you truely love who they are, then you wouldn't change a thing. I think I'm just repeating myself now. You get the point. It was a very good talk. It's been just over 3 months now and every day just gets better.

Stuck

I don't know if it's the change in season, or the way the stars are lining up, but something's not right. What's worse is that I don't feel as though I can talk to anyone about it for fear of judgement. My thoughts and even a dream last night are not in the right place. I don't know what's causing of all it. Holding it all in is making it worse, and yet I don't have much choice. At least that's how I feel. So under the " If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all " clause. I must remain silent. It's really not that it's not nice, but it's really not right. So TTFN.