That's what friends are for

So I have got the best roommate in the world. She completely knows where I'm coming from with B because she has one of her own. Although he didn't lie to her or cheat on her. Still she knows. She is so very supportive. She informed me last night that I'm bigger than this. That I can handle anything because it's just temporary and I'm not. She tells me how beautiful I am, and how much B's new girl looks like me. (It's true, he's dating my twin.) How he's only using her to kill time. What she doesn't know is that it's also probably true, B can't be alone. Never has been. She says the only reason he moved on so fast is because he is a liar, even to himself. That I'm much more honest and real and that's the only reason I haven't yet. I am honest with myself and my feelings. This all coming from her, not me.
Tonight we're going out for my b-day. She seems to think I need a cowboy. Never hurts. Here's my quote on that advice...

"Save a horse, ride a cowboy."

Sorry I'm still whinning about B. It might be a little more. I'm trying not to force the situation and just feel it. Otherwise I don't believe I'll truely be able to move on. I'd just be lying to myself, and I'm not him. Thanks for listening.

Glutten for punishment

So how did my birthday go? Ok, until I talked to my sister. She has been trying to get me on myspace for months now. We also got into a discussion about B. So she says " I bet he is on myspace." I reply that there is no way he would be on there. She does a search and he pops right up. Him and his girlfriend. There they are plain as day with the rest of the pedophiles. I read his blog and it turns out he's been with this girl for a long time. So he lied to me. My sister asked if I was suprised. Suprised no, hurt yes. He says on there that she's the sexiest girlfriend ever and goes on to call her an amazing woman. He is also still talking to all the kids he hung around with out here. So he is more than likely back into all his drinking and drugs. I joined just so I could see his site. Nothing like torturing yourself on your birthday. I know that I need to let go and move on, and I really have been trying. My friend R said last night that I'm trying too hard. I don't know what the hell to do anymore.
So I'm on myspace now. I'll have a link to it on the sidebar later. I'm currently talking to three guys from match with a definate interest in one of them. No new job yet either. Today is one of those days where I just want to go away.

Happy Birthday Too Me

Jenny's got a job, a cat named Jake,
31 candles on her birthday cake
Next year
Thought by now she'd have a man
Two car seats and a minivan
But it still ain't here (hey!)
She's been lookin' for Mr. Right so long
But all she's found is Mr. Wrong
That's the pitts
She's drawn a line that she won't cross
Her and time are facing off
She says something's gotta give
Chorus
Something's gotta give me butterflies
Something's gotta make me feel alive
Something's gotta give me dreams at night
Something's gotta make me feel alright
I don't know where it is
But something's gotta give
Friday night she had a date
Cell phone junky a half hour late
That's the biz baby
She's riding out the twists of fate
She's had all that she can take
She says something's gotta give
(chorus)
I swear
There's got to be a meant to be for me out there
Somewhere someday
I'm gonna find someone, somehow, someway
Jenny's got a job, a cat named Jake,
31 candles on her birthday cake
Next year
She thought by now she'd have a man
Two car seats and a minivan
She says something's got,
Something's got,
Something's gotta give LeAnn Rimes

This song hit a chord with me the first time I heard it. I turn 32 today and have accomplished nothing that I thought I would have by now. I keep hearing that I'm still young though. So on that note - Happy Birthday Too Me.

You can quote me on that

As a young girl I used to collect quotes. I had a whole notebook full of them. Can't say that I remember even half of them anymore, but I still quote. Most of the time it comes from movies, tv, or music, but not all. Even the title to my blog is from a song. Here's a few favorites...

"The greatest of all lost arts is honesty." Mark Twain

"The more one knows the less one believes." Fortune cookie

"God doesn't punish us, he just grants us a long enough life to punish ourselves." The Poisonwood Bible -Barbara Kingsolver

"I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong." Somekind of Wonderful

"In the end it doesn't how many breaths you take, but how many moments took your breath away." Namaste

"I do not want people to be agreeable, it saves me the trouble of liking them." Jane Austen

I know they aren't all that positive anymore. What are some of your favorites?

Regrets

Yesterdays Oprah she had famous moms write a letter to their younger selves. What would you say? Most of them just gave advice. When I brought it up to A she went to regrets. Tell the truth so did I. B has been on my mind a lot lately, and she asked if I would do it all over again. I've been a firm believer in the "no regrets" theory. I believe that even if it hurt that hopefully we learned from it and it helped make us who we are today. The situation with B is different though. It's done more than just hurt. With all of that said, I loved stronger than ever before, yes, I would do it all over again.
Last night A was "cleaning house" and burning a lot of documents. With the posssibility of it being the last cold night before summer I also took advantage of the fire. I finally burnt all the letters and cards I had from B. I was going to send them to him, but he would just throw them away without even looking at them. They meant so much more to me, so it was my job to take care of them. She asked if I would regret doing that later. Honestly, no. I have them all memorized by now anyway and the only reason to keep them around would be when I wanted to cry. That's all they did anymore. I no longer need to read them to know what they said. I don't need the proof anymore. What I need is to let go, and I'm trying as best I can.

On a side note, I owe HS Commons an apology. My reply to your comment was harsh. I'm not the happiest with your gender at this point and time. I don't need a guy around to fix stuff. I want a guy around to share stuff. No excuses though, Sorry.

Dopamine or just Dopey

Am I the only one that feels like some days they play more love songs than others? A friend of mine seems to think that they always do this, I just notice it more on some days than others. Either way. A and I watched the 3rd Matrix Friday night and for some reason all I could focus on was the love beteween Trinity and Neo. Seriously, is it possible? Can we really find that kind of movie screen love in real life? I know it takes work and it's not all perfect. On screen though it's so strong, so powerful. The shrinks are saying that it's only the dopamine levels and love at first sight is unrealistic. All this online crap is making me more and more pessimistic.
I got a phone call last week from a person that was part of the group I hung around with B. I haven't spoken to them since he left really, that makes it almost a year now. As I try to think of what I want in relationship, I think of what we had, and didn't have. What I hate the most is I can't tell what was real or not anymore. My love for him was unconditional, I always believed in him, and stood by him. There was never a time I wasn't thinking of him or there for him. It didn't work both ways. So was I an idiot for giving so much of myself for so little? I have his letters though, and when he did do something it was perfect. He has said though that he didn't mean it. Was that the truth or was he trying to push me away? I need the truth. I want so badly to close the door, but I have so many unanswered questions. He's not returning any of my texts, emails, or phone calls though. So it seems that I'll never know. Is it really so wrong just to want to be loved?

New terms for the 2006 office

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace:
1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another...
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found,"

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)
18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

Bingo!

• Brain testosterone theory

Simon Baron-Cohen proposes a model for autism based in his empathising-systemising (E-S) theory^[8]. His team at the Autism Research Centre in Cambridge, UK, measured testosterone levels in the amniotic fluid of mothers while pregnant. This is presumed to reflect levels in the babies themselves. The team found that the babies with higher fetal testosterone levels had a smaller vocabulary and made eye contact less often when they were a year old.

His group has looked at the original 58 children again, at age four. The researchers found that the children with higher testosterone in the womb are less developed socially, and the interests of boys are more restricted than girls. The results are published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry in a 2004 issue ^[9].

No they were not dropped on their heads. They produced too much testosterone while they were developing. That manliness that we love so much also inhibits them. We just can't win for losing.

Don't worry it's not ALL man bashing

You have two choices in  life:
You can stay single and be  miserable,
or get married and wish you were  dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to  another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the  wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong  man."
A lady inserted an ad in the  classified:
"Husband  Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred  letters.
They all said the same  thing:
"You can have  mine."
When a woman steals your  husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her  keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married.  Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his  father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get  married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still  paying."
A young son  asked,
"Is it true, Dad that in some parts of  Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries  her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country,  son."
Then there was a woman who  said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I  got married,
and by then, it was too  late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over  intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen  and
pay strict attention to every word you say --  talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men  would go through life
thinking
they had no faults at  all.
First guy says, "My wife's an  angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's  still alive."
A Woman's  Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love  and to
forgive
him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because,  Lord, if I prayfor
Strength,
I'll just beat him to  death.

Ummm...No

So A has a new phrase she is using for me. She informed me the other day that it is her job to get me "married off". What? As much as I appreciate her concern, truth be told it really is none of her concern. Number one, who says I need to be married? Certainly not me. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. However, I by no means need someone to make me happy. Number two, who ever said it was her job? Once again, certainly not me. I believe that I can find a mate on my own. I'm not an imbecile. What makes her think she knows what I want or need? She hasn't found the one for her yet either. She is dating an "entourage" as I call them. I am currently seeing no one. We are two different people though. I understand that she means well and says it half jokingly. Still, it kinda stings everytime she does. I am no ones charity case. I can take care of myself. Thank you very much. When it's the right time and person then it will happen. In the meantime, I'm ok with being me. Besides which, I really need to take care of this job thing right now.

Here comes Peter Cottontail

I had a fairly strict Catholic upbringing. My mom was about to join the convent when she met my dad and her brother was the priest that married my parents. She went on to get her masters in religious education and I taught Sunday school under her for 7 years. We went to church every Sunday, religious ed, and vacation bible school too. Getting the picture? Every holiday had it's routine. I loved them all.
Here's the Easter tradition. We would color our eggs about a week before. Good Friday we watched Jesus Christ Superstar for the hours of silence. My mom was very strict on the quiet time that day. For Easter mass we usually went to the Easter Vigil. My mom had to be there for the RCIA candidates. A very nice service but 2 hours in church is a long time for any kid. Plus our priest loved his symbolism and the insense was used with vigor. No one ever told him that it's not cool to make his congregation pass out. Now of coarse the Easter bunny would come Easter morning. The night before we would pick a time to set the alarm. No one could go downstairs until dad had checked to see if the Easter bunny made it. That was just to be sure we all went down together, you know as a family. Sometimes we would all run across the hall to my parents bedroom and pretend to see the bunny running down the street. Next it was time to check out our Easter baskets. After we had scoped out what we got it was time for the Easter egg hunt. Then breakfast, we could have one piece of candy before breakfast. The meal was sourdough pancakes(from scratch), eggs, sausage, toast, orange juice, and coffee. Not a bad day if I do say so myself. Thanks for the memories.

Not to ruin the post, but as promised they let J go yesterday so the company name is Money Tree. The reason for termination is a complete crock and the handling of the situation was an absolute abomination. From my post to their bank account, let it hurt!

Strike Number 2

I'm trying very hard here at work to get my motivation back. It's not helping that yet another paycheck has bounced. This is the second one in a row. He's making it easier and easier for me to go. I still adore working with him, just not for him.
I just finished talking to a friend that works at an office next to mine and she's about to get fired because of her hair. They are trying to tell her that she's not professional enough. She comes in everyday looking a lot more professional than I do. She comes in slacks and a blouse everyday and her hair is pulled back. They don't like her hair when it's up. That has got to be the worst reason I have ever heard! If her hair was always a mess and never clean, maybe, but for putting it up. They never even warned her about it. It's a complete crock if you ask me. If they go through with this and do fire her for her hair the company name will be posted on my next entry. You can't sue for libel if it's true. The irony is that a few weeks ago a client tried to hire her for a personal assistant because she thought that J was too professional for the place she is working. I'll never work for corporate offices again. They have their heads way to far up their asses!

Crap!

The reason I joined match was because I'm tired of the bar scene and friends trying to set me up. Well yesterday I had a friend come into my office and mention a guy she knows. These were his "selling points" - He's a college grad (so), he's seems very nice (seems?), he wants to get married and have a family. So far not sold and he has 2 draw backs 1) he's 40 and 2) he's short. She couldn't even tell me how short. He's the brother of her neighbor, but she doesn't really know him. Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel. Now they are setting me up with people they don't know. Great.
Next my uncle called me last night. This idea isn't a bad one. He has this local charity event going on and needs help working it. The one bonus for him is that he needs people. The one bonus for me is that I get to meet new people. He's not setting me up. He's getting me out. That's how it's done right? You don't meet anyone sitting at home on your ass. Even if it's a cute ass. Noone will see it if you're always on it. You never know it could even help with the job search. Networking. Now this I can handle.

"My give a damn's broke!"

Number one rule in switching jobs is not to burn any bridges. Here's the thing though, he's selling the practice. My motivation to get anything done is gone. I've decided to look for another job and already sent out resumes. I have no vested interest in the practice anymore. I've already checked out. Patients come and complain and all I want to say is " Frankly Scarlett...". I am so done here.
I don't want optics anymore either. I am so very burnt out. I need something new and exciting. Something where I don't have to worry about my paycheck bouncing. Something that is 5 days a week and has paid holidays and vacation. Something that has health benefits. Something that pays me what I'm worth.
In the meantime though I need to get my motivation back. I need a good reference from him. Not doing my job isn't helping that. Once again I'm screwing myself over. I'm a pro at self destruction. Anyone need help on a demolition crew?

Who can I trust?

So the "friend" that was supposed to come down yesterday stood me up. He was in a fencing tournament. We had discussed him calling me when done and we'd hook up somewhere for a drink. He informed me that he should be done around 3:00. Come 7:30 no text, no phone call, no nothing. I wouldn't have minded at all if something came up, but let me know. I didn't even get one of his texts. That sort of thing really pisses me off. It's just rude. Honestly, if I can't even depend on my friends to treat me like a human being then who can I?
Next slam came my from own sister. She sent me my B-Day card already and had it custom made with B's name on it. The card was supposed to be funny, but it didn't slam him at all. Even if it was a slam on him, I don't need them bringing him up. No clue what she was thinking. I understand that she rarely thinks at all, but still. Come on. I think I'm gonna go hide a hole now.

Friends?

Once you've been friends with someone is it safe to move onto dating?
I've been chating with an old friend of mine lately and it sounds as though he wants to move it to another level. First, I need to ask myself if I'm interested that way. Honestly I don't think so. He's a great guy don't get me wrong, just not for me. He lives just over an hour north of me, and I really want someone that I can see on a regular basis. Plus, I know the trash he usually goes out with. One used to be my roommate. From the "sounds" of things he's pretty good in bed, but that's not enough. He is always texting me too. I hate texting. Why can't he just pick up the phone and call? I've told him that I'd like to stay in touch, but as friends. He's coming into town Sunday and wants to buy me a drink. I think I'll meet up with him, but buy my own as to not give the wrong idea. I told him that I was dating and he asked why I was looking. A says he wants me and is trying to talk me into dating him. Kinda frustrating. I really don't want anything but friendship from him.
It's settled then. It doesn't matter if it's ok to move forward because I don't want to. I've been honest with my feelings from the get go. Hopefully meeting up with him doesn't change his thoughts on the subject.

Spectacular, huh?

Time is running out with match. I've got about 2 months left to see if it works. I'm still trying to attract the kind of guy that I'd date. My new pic and profile have made the hits come to a stand still. Now the guys are looking but that's were it ends. A told me last night that she hates the new pic, so I put the old one back in primary view. She also told me that there's nothing spectacular about my profile. She says I need something to stand out from the others. I agree, but what?
There's really nothing spectacular about me. I'm an ordinary person, with an ordinary job, and an ordinary (pretty boring) life. I don't even stand out in a crowd. I don't make a lot of noise or rock the boat. I'm not exactly a wallflower. I talk and interact with people just fine. I don't enjoy being the center of attention. In school everyone would make a joke and tell me that I talk too much. When I get in a big group I do get quiet. That's because I people watch.
I thought my profile was cute. I made a few jokes. She's right though, it's just like all the others. I don't know what to do.

Feng Shui

What can I do to increase my romance luck?

Find out your Kua number and your Nien Yin direction. Then sleep with your head pointing to this direction. Nien Yin means Relationship and Ties. Sleeping with your head pointing to this direction is said to improve romance luck and your network of friends.
You can also place some auspicious love symbols in both your Nien Yin and the Southwest corner, the universal corner for love. Popular love enhancers are mandarin ducks, crystals, the Dragon and Phoenix couple and also representations of loving couples. Modern love enhancers such as romantic candles and red roses work as well.
All these influence 'chi' to enhance your love life, but they will not make Mr. Right fall down from the sky straight into your living room, sans bruises. Going out, socializing and meeting new people is still important to forming relationships. You don't have to measure every new friend you meet - just be yourself, have fun and time & luck will determine the rest.

Take away Disney and...

This is the fairty tale that should have been read to us when were little:

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful independant, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat comtemplating ecological isssues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdent meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself: I don't freakin think so.

Rocky Mountain Spring

The rain is refreshing. The mornings have this chill in the air. Everything smells crisp and fresh. It warms up to a perfect 70 degress by noon and gives a cooling shower around 4. I grew up spending summer vacations camping, hiking, and fishing all over this state. What I love most is the memories that flood back. I caught my first fish in Idaho Springs. Not another one after I learned that I had to clean and eat it. I still followed my dad everywhere though. He loved to take the path that no one else did. I was constantly pushing branches out of my face and climbing rocks and hillsides. Loving every second. He took the truck over the same kind of trails too. It had the entire family whiteknuckled. The suburban wasn't exactly made for 4wheeling. My sister and I would skip around the campsite singing at the top of our lungs. Usually the same song over and over again. We were gonna grow up to be campground hosts. My dad would always try to find a spot next to the river for my mom. We could hear it rushing all night. My youngest sister gave the outhouses a new name that stuck - they are still called stinkhouses. Near the end of the trip we would meet up in Mountain Park and the clan would take over the campground. My grandparents, my aunt and uncle with their kids, and us. That made 7 kids, 6 adults, and I think around 4 dogs. A mini family reunion.
These weren't the only vacations that we took. Sometimes we'd go to California or Oregon to see my mom's family. We also spent time in Montana, Wyoming, and North and South Dakota. The most tatoos I've seen in one place was when the suburban broke down and we got stuck in Sturgis for the 50th bike ralley. A very educational trip to say the least. My parents would have liked to blind fold us all ( and plug our ears).
Colorado was always my favorite though. I'd read the sign everytime we crossed in "Welcome to Colorful Colorado".