Crap!

Is it so completely wrong to want to have a space that you can just go off and know that nobody cares? Thing great thing about this blog is that nobody knows who I am here. I can write whatever I want and none of it will come back to bite me in the ass. Everybody needs a sounding board to get things off their chest without judgement. I can write about my feelings completely, even the insane ones, and I leave it all here. When I'm done writing it out it's over. It's great, free therapy. I get it all worked out in my head by writing it down. On top of that I get support and advice from all of you, completely confidential. BR has found this blog. I have begged him not to read it, but that only makes him more curious. For the most part I don't care, but I have written about my Match dating exploits, my ex, and a few other things he just doesn't need to read. I don't like hearing about his ex's, and I've written a bit more here in detail. More detail than I know (or want to know) about his ex's. F***! He told me that I can ask him anything and he'll tell me. There's a difference though. I'm sure he'll put it words that would make things softer or sound better when telling me. When you know that no one knows you and you won't be judged things come out more frank and honest. What's done is done now, but I'm really not happy about this.

My muse

Last night we went and saw Rob Thomas and Jewel at Red Rocks. I have followed Matchbox since the day they came out and haven't missed Rob Thomas once. He didn't let me down last night either. It's hard to discribe my feelings about music. It touches my very core. It can bring you up or take you down. I hear the words that the artist put out there and know that at sometime someone was feeling the exact same way I do. I'm never alone with them. Music is my rock, the only constant in my life. Think about it though. No matter where you're at or what you're doing there is music in the background. It's always there for you. You've had a bad day and come home and put in something a little somber. Or it's been a great day and you put in something that has you dancing all over. Roadtrip with the window down and the music cranked. The feeling is untouchable. Back when I was a teenager and had a bad day I'd grab my walkman and rain or shine just take off for a walk. I preferred the rain. Then no one could tell when I was crying and it felt as though it was washing it all away. I was 110% by the time I got back home. There are very few things in life that you know will always be there. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly it will never let me down.

The planted seed

It just keeps getting better. BR and I had yet another serious talk the other night. One that had us both crying. No need to go over what it was about except that the jist had to do with my insecurities. Then I told him that I didn't want to talk about it with him because it was apart of my past and for me to deal with not him. He told me that he was glad I was talking to him about it. That if I was having a problem then so was he and he can't help with what he doesn't know. That he wants to be there for me and support me when I need him. Once again I'm left dumbfounded. Seriously, you'd think that it was impossible to feel anymore than I do, but it grows everytime I see him. The more I learn the harder I fall. He is absolutely amazing. You know that list you put together with all the attributes you want in your significant other? I have to give major props to my angels that brought him to me. Check, check, check, check... I wouldn't change one thing about him. He's not perfect and I'm not putting him on any pedestal, but I don't want that. He's perfect for me. That's what matters.

Firsts

This was a weekend of firsts for me and BR. It was the first time he's seen me drunk, I finally cooked for him for the first time, and few more things this weekend. My roommate is very upset that he'll be stealing me away. She and I get along very well. Now if I could just get this job thing taken care of. At this point though even that doesn't get to me anymore. It all goes away when I'm with him. Life is just a beautiful thing. He makes my heart smile. I did have a little bit of a panic attack last night. Things run through my head 24/7 and I almost blurted out "don't ever leave". It didn't come out, but the fact that I thought it has me a bit rattled. Ever heard the question "would you rather be loved or afraid of?" The answer is " I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." Well, last night it hit me and I am afraid of how much I love him.

Things that make you go

Hmm... So BR and I had a serious talk last night about our past and things that we might not be to proud of. He had a much harder upbringing than me. I was sheltered as a child. My family life was and is strong and stable. We had bumps in the road, but nothing like his. It only makes me admire him more for how far he has come and his goals for the future. He was concerned that what he told me would change my views about him. All it did was make who he is today stronger in my eyes. I love him for who he is today. The past is the past. As long as you don't forget it, but learn from it. Those that forget are doomed to repeat. He is a strong man with plans, and hopes, and dreams. He can charm the pants off anybody, very much a smooth talker. Very social and caring. He pays attention to the little things and listens to (and remembers) what I say. He can't sit still for than a minute. He is very good with his hands though. A hard worker, he takes pride in what he does. Boys and girls the lady is in love.

Sorry

I know that I haven't posted in almost a week now. I write on both blogs now. BR reads the one on myspace so I keep it clean and empty of all my baggage. This is the one where I get to go off. I checked out B's site the other day (thanks to some family members) and he mentioned me but as "other people". Yesterday was his one year anniversary for being drug free. He talked about how happy he was with the perfect girl and life. Then he mentioned how he's happy that other people are happy too, despite the resentment. FUCKER! If it wasn't for me he wouldn't be alive right now. I put my entire being into that relationship and all I got was the very worst of him. This girl has known him for under a year and she gets the very best. All I want is a little acknowledgement and thanks. He went on to thank other friends of his for everything they did for him. I'm the one that sat there by his side when he was at rock bottom. I cleaned up the messes left behind. When he wanted nothing but to kill himself, I was the one that was there. I did it all without judgement, without questioning, without a second thought. I think it's not to much to ask for a simple thank you.

Trust

One of the major components in any relationship. Like I said I over react to things that aren't even there. He was just extremely tired and feel asleep. Nothing's changed regarding his feelings. Here's the dilemma I'm having now. He's been offered a really good job back in Idaho. A lot more money, better hours, benefits, the whole package. He turned it down because "All that money isn't worth losing you." Once again he has me dumbfounded. Problem being he's still thinking about the job. He really does want it. What the hell is happening to my one day a time. So last night I asked the question that I hate and never ask. Where do you see this going? I love him I truely do, but I'm not putting myself out there and making sacrifices if he's not in the same place. We discussed his heartbreaker syndrom. I told him that if he breaks my heart there will be NO second chances. I'm not gonna call him up and beg and plead and tell him I still love him like the ex in Idaho. However, if he continues to treat me right and make me happy then he'll have me by his side, supporting him completely. Where does that leave us? Not sure. I'm still hoping that he'll decide to stay here and we can continue to grow our relationship one day at a time. I have a habit of jumping into things to quickly; and I'm really trying very hard to take this slower and go into it eyes wide open. A and I discussed the whole love at first sight thing the other night. We don't believe in it for one reason, dopemine. In the beginning of the relationship it's surging through your veins and everything is great. We believe it's when things start to settle in and calm down that you can truely asses the feelings. When the honeymoon is over and pedestal is gone, that's when you can tell if it's meant to be.

My need to complain

Remember how I said that I needed to get used to having someone in my bed at night. Well in the past 3 weeks we've only been apart at night 4 times. Last night being one of them. Suffice to say I have gotten used to him being there and last night really sucked. He was supposed to come and take me out to dinner but things happened and that never happened. He ended up getting stuck talking with his dad and I told him to call when he was done. I spent the evening talking to my roommate and then I noticed it was 10:00. So I get ready and climb into bed at 10:15. I call him to say goodnight and wake him up. He was already sound asleep. I had a hard time falling asleep and spent the night tossing and turning. He sent me a text this morning saying that he missed me, but it doesn't seem that he had hard time sleeping without me there. I'm not mad just a bit sad about it. I was lonely and he was fine. FUCK! I know he loves me there's no question there, but now I'm starting to second guess and worry again. Not good. I just have to keep reminding myself to take this one day at a time. I over analyze everything when there's nothing there to worry about. I have got to stop that. That saying that "you don't what you have till it's gone". Well, I know what I have and last night he wasn't there. It's much harder when you know what isn't there with you. My biggest concern is that he has told me that he's a heartbreaker. I just don't want it to be mine, but I also don't want to live being guarded all the time. One day at a time. Right?

Priceless

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce?"
I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was g oing on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for Goodness sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizar d is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy.

You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they

um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm
saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for
more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea,"
Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker.....Priceless

Bittersweet

I've been feeling very bittersweet the past couple of days and can't place my finger on what it is. Yes my love life is still wondeful. I am stressing about my parents and my job, but if I don't have something to worry about then I'd probably keel over then and there. When I'm around BR I'm happy and calm. When it's me left to my own devices my head starts to run away with itself. A and I did cards last night and I was told to quit worring and follow my feelings. Trust my instincts and just let it be. I've been trying really I have. Maybe a session with P would help. I'll have to ask her. Maybe just a chat with her would help. My voice of reason, she always has the level head.

Mawwige

I still don't know what to write about, but I promised an update so here goes. I haven't been this happy in such a long time. He makes me feel loved, safe, comfortable, and loved (oops, I already said that one). The weird thing is that I am so comfortable. I'm not waiting for the bomb to drop and me to get knocked on my ass. We spent all day together yesterday and not for one second got bored with each other. It was very nice really. We've been together for 2 weeks and in one 24 hour span 3 people mentioned how we were going to get married. Now that does give me a heart attack. I just look at them and remind them that it's only been 2 weeks and to please shut the fuck up. It's not that don't want to get married again. I'm just still on the once bitten twice shy page for that topic. As my mom said " as long as he makes you happy." She also said to tell him that if he hurts me she'll haunt his dreams for years. It's a little early for the threats from the parents, but I told him anyway. He just laughed and said she has nothing to worry about. I strongly believe him too. Wow.

Blah, blah, blah

Sorry, I'm just not in the writing mood today. Everyone have a fabulous weekend, and check back Monday for an update.

All you need is love

For me there isn't anything better than the feeling of falling in love. Your endorphines and adreline are working nonstop and everything is wonderful. There's no such thing as a bad day. The sun is always shining at day and the stars at night couldn't be brighter. That getting to know you just seems to get better. You look forward to seeing them with a smile that won't go away. When someone asks how you are the reply is "wonderful". I had an absolutely miserable day at work yesterday, but none of it mattered. Once I heard his voice it all melted away. We had our first disagreement last night. It ended, and we let it go. No rehashing it through out the rest of the evening. For a hopeless romantic this is the feeling you want to last forever. I'm realistic, but also enjoying it while it lasts. Hopefully it grows into something deeper. Only time will tell.

Always my parents daughter

Actually the first child for that matter. I love my parents and get along with them fabulously just where they are. I can talk on the phone, get caught up, and go do my thing. It isn't a conversation with my mom until I hear " Now I'm gonna be a mom for just a minute." After last nights conversation I have come to the realization that she knows me better than I thought. Here I thought I was hiding things pretty good, nope. I told them about BR last night and got the parental lecture I always do, but this one had a kick to it. My mother informed of how I always see the good in people first. How I'm so very romantic in my views of the world and what I look for. She said it makes me giving, caring, and naive. She also informed me that the world doesn't work that way. Nothing I didn't already know. I just didn't think she had paid that much attention. She also mentioned how I enjoy going out. She said I know you like your parties. That was more lecturing on my diabeties. The talk kinda threw me for a loop. I don't know why, but I just never realized how well she paid attention to our talks. I love my mom, now I know that I really have to watch what I say.

Let's ask the experts

It's a romantic, even passionate moment. He's been so giving and caring. He's looking into your eyes, and you feel that mental and physical connection. You feel close, he gets you, and so you blurt out, I love you. And then he is silent. What a horrid and awkward moment. Now it all seems weird and uncomfortable. You feel humiliated. What have you done?
Actually, you've done nothing that millions of men and women who have been swept up in the rush of deep feeling and longing for that special someone haven't done before. Unfortunately, when one person says, I love you, and it is too soon for the other, both can retreat from the relationship altogether.
The power of the "L" word is intense. It can bring such joy when two people are comfortable and ready to mean it. But it can sour a relationship, if one says it or if no one says it ever!
What does love mean anyway? Sometimes the definition is murky. When you say, I love you, you may mean that you feel close to your boyfriend, he seems right for you, and you want a future together. He may see saying "I love you", as meaning that you have to get married. And if he doesn't feel obsessed with you, then he may not think that he's in love with you. Sometimes people confuse lust and love. Having great sex is terrific, but does it mean love?
Even more problematic is the person who is so uncomfortable professing their love that they're terrified to say the "L" word. Children who grew up in a home that never heard, I love you, may have trouble with the concept of love. Or if they never heard their parents say the "L" word to each other, then they may feel uncomfortable saying it their partners.
Someone who can"t say, I love you, may have a problem with commitment. He may see love as the shackle around his ankle and just won't go there. On the other hand, some people use the "I love you" expression to reel in a mate who really isn't ready yet and tries to guilt them into staying put.
The point is to try to wait to say, "I love you" until you feel pretty certain you and your partner are on the same love page. Discuss your feelings for each other to test the waters. How do you feel about each other? Do you like spending time together? Do you see a future together? Do you feel you're right for each other?
And if you've said the "L" word too soon, it's OK to say, "Oops I blurted out in a gooey moment and I'm not really I am not ready either." That will take some of the pressure off of your partner to reciprocate his feelings at that moment.
Once you're ready to say, "I love you" say it loud and say it proud. Everyone wants to know, feel, and hear they are loved. And eventually your children will learn from you how to express their love and how to mean it.

Just like riding a bicycle

I haven't been in a relationship in so long that I'm having to adjust a few things. It's not that I'm inconsiderate, but it takes a little extra. I have to watch my man bashing (for some reason it's turn off). My tongue can be rather harsh at times. I put that extra effort into how I look every day. We are definatley still in that stage where we're trying to impress. Let's not forget the sleeping issue. I'm up a bit later than usual either talking to him or out with him. When he comes home with me I'm really not used to sharing my bed. I also have to keep reminding myself to step back and slow down. It's very comfortable and I've been getting lonely. Even if this doesn't work out, it's a great stepping stone for my trust issues. I'm trying to be more patient, less annoyed, and not as judgemental about the little things. I think those all pretty much tie together though. My boss seems to think that I'll end it before long anyway. I've been known to cut things off at the knees. This time is different. I'm giving it an honest chance. I've done this before. We're just dating. Right now it's all very good.