Say what you will

Maybe I'm a glutten for punishment, maybe this time will be different. BR and I discussed the whole issue with the girl back in Idaho. I'm going to give him a chance. One day at a time. I'm never going to move if I don't put myself out there and give people a chance. I'm trying very hard to remember that not all guys are the same. They aren't all clones of B walking around, and not all of them are out to hurt me. It's something that on a surface level I have known just not accepted. I'm going into this cautiously and with eyes wide open. He has promised to be upfront and honest with me. That's all I can ask for at this point. In turn I promise the same. Wish me luck because honestly I feel as though I have stuck my hand in light socket.

The circle of...

One of these days I hope to learn my lesson. I hooked with a new guy this weekend. What have I gotten from this one? I've learned that my attractions lean to a specific kind of male. It's known as nothing but trouble. All was going well until I found out last night that he was still having issues with his past girlfriend. I told him that I wasn't getting into a relationship until the other girls are gone. I haven't heard anything from him since that. I'm not a jealous person. I'm also not getting into a relationship when the past is still present. I'm not going to compete. I'm more than happy to be there for him as a friend in the meantime. I don't play games though. Am I wrong?

My boring life

I'm running out of things to write about here. Match has gone by the wayside. The only guys that are talking to me now just aren't interesting, good looking, my age, or all of the above. Besides which I'm doing well with G and don't care about match anymore. I also don't have any plans for the holiday weekend. Wow, what a boring life I lead. At this point though I'll take it. It can always be worse than boring. Boring's not bad it's just boring. Here I am in my "prime" as everybody says, single, 32, in Denver, and I have no life. My aunt says that I have a life it's just not the one I want. This coming from a woman without a minute to spare. She always has something going on. Oh well, things are looking up and they'll continue to get better I'm sure. Bored yet? See, I told you. :)

My guilty pleasure

I usually watch the opening auditions because I get a good laugh at people in general. From there on out though I don't care much. This year was different. Nursing the broken home I stayed in more than usual and got hooked. You become a part of the story and begin to cheer on your favorites. I've never voted either, until this year. Dr says I'm a dork now. (As if he has room to talk) A's favorite was Ace. Hot yes, but not enough talent to be the American Idol. My favorite had been Chris. When America screwed up (we seem to have lots of voting issues, Bush is case in point) I took my second favorite, Taylor. I was informed by both Dr and A that Katharine would win because she's so beautiful. I don't disagree that she's absolutely stunning. However, Taylor has the talent. I love his personality and voice. Plus I kinda feel like I won too because I proved them both wrong. :) Last nights show was pretty good. I hate that they took 2 hours to announce the winner, but the guest appearances were worth it. Except for Toni Braxton. It's a good thing that she looked amazing because I couldn't hear her at all. The whole award idea was great. Clay coming out and suprising the fan was very sweet. Once again Taylor stole the show with his thanks at the end. He's seems like a very nice guy. So with much congratulations I welcome Taylor Hicks to the American Idol title. He deserves it! Best wishes for your future Taylor.

Patience

The primary four letter word in any guy's vocabulary. I think that they enjoy it as much as the word "friends". At this point in time though any relationship with me will require just that, patience, and lots of it. I believe that a good relationship starts as friends. It gives a solid foundation and time to build trust. I have so very little trust. I'm very cynical and when I'm paid a compliment I look for the alterior motive. On the surface I know that not every guy is an ass and a liar. My roommate suggested the 3 strike rule. I gave B millions of chances and he broke every one of them. I'm so naive that I just want to know immediately when I'm being played. Since I don't have that 6th sense then I get walked on by many people. So the 3 strike rule is very good idea. "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me." I want to able to trust, love, and live life again. So Play Ball!

25 signs you have grown up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@.. Kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$... What the hell happened?"
Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.

Time wounds all heals

So I've met someone. I'll call him G. He is so sweet, and hot, and says I'm beautiful and sexy. He makes me smile and even blush sometimes, and I'm terrified. I know full well that my heart hasn't repaired itself yet. So I've been keeping my distance trying not to hurt anyone. Everytime I think of G I can't help but smile. Then I think of the two of us as a couple and on comes the panic attack. It really scares the shit out of me. I'm so torn right now. I'm getting that lonely feeling lately. I miss having someone to share things with, to do things with, to cuddle with, and to kiss goodnight. I don't want to be alone forever, but the thought of loving someone so completely again is terrifying. I realize that G and I probably won't be anything substantial. It's that first step though, and it makes me sick to my stomach. The good thing is that when I'm near him I don't think of any of this. It's only when I'm alone that my mind likes to torture me. So far so good though. We are taking it slow and right now just getting to know each other. It's the way every relationship should start. So one good foot in front of the other and I'm off.

The Power of Positive Thinking

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood
and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him
how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be
twins!" He was a natural motivator.
If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the
employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and
asked him, "I don't get it!
You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two
choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can
choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood."
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I
can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.
Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept
their complaining or. I can point out the positive side of life. I
choose the positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away
all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to
situations. You choose how people affect your mood.
You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's
your choice how you live your life."
I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry
to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him
when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious
accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released
from the hospital with rods placed in his back.
I saw him about six months after the accident.
When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be
twins...Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through
his mind as the accident took place.
"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my
soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground,
I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could
choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
He continued, "..the paramedics were great.
They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me
into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and
nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'.
I knew I needed to take action. "
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said
John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied.' The
doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took
a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."
Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on
me as if I am alive, not dead."
He lived, t hanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his
amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the
choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything .

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about
itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.

Gotta laugh at this

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and
remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put
a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to
the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left
before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he
was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to
investigate.
Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the
way you want them to.......

Ummm...yeah

I know that I haven't posted about a week and I apologize. I really just don't know what to say lately. Myspace is taking off well. I've found 2 friends from highschool. One from my fire station days and one from post fire station days. I'm also talking to 2 guys from the B group. One still talks to him and one doesn't. Today isn't the best day for me. 10 years ago today I took a walk down the isle and said "I do". It is still the happiest day of my life. I really don't want to talk about it though, and it's leaving me feeling very blah so check out this link. It is hiliarious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg&eurl

Bar Stools

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances,
&Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral
in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.It was hot and humid
in town and their traditional garb was making
them so uncomfortable. They decided to stop in at Paddy McGuire's Pub for
a cold softdrink.Paddy had recently added some special legs to his barstools
which
were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up
at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley entered
the bar through the front door with Father McGinty for a cold drink when they
were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

A picture's worth

Seriously, the first photo I had up wasn't bad. These new ones though are bringin down the house. I took the chance and "winked" at 3 guys off match the other day. I've heard back from 2 of them. Those are some pretty good odds if I do say so myself. I hate winking though. It's lazy. I want to give them something to answer back to. It shows more interest if you take the time to write an email. Biggest issue is that my hearts not it yet. I feel like I'm forcing the matter. The pics are great though.

I'm messed up

One two and half hour conversation in 14 years and she says that I'm messed up. Ok, yes I am, but she doesn't know the half of it. She also says that I still look just like I did in highschool. Here I thought that I'd grown up pretty well. Guess not. I had a lot of issues in highschool and instead of taking care of them back then they've grown. Now they are adult size highschool issues. That seriously sucks to admit.
I'm glad she found me. We had a good talk last night. It brought back all kinds of memories. She had read some of this blog and my fear of being forgotten and told me how often they wondered about me. Thank you very much for that, but I really meant B. It sucks to love someone so completely and just be forgotten. I know for the most part he's not worth it, but I gave my everything and then some to him and us. Anywho. It was a good talk. She's been through a lot in the past 14 years, but sounds fairly happy now and I'm happy for her. She deserves it.
Hits with the new pics are still climbing at record pace. Gotta love it. TTFN

New Pics

So these new pics are working out pretty well. I'm getting so much more attention from match and myspace. Some good, some not. One of my friends from high school found me on myspace. I haven't talked to her in 14 years and here's the other kicker; she married one of my exboyfriends. The internet sure makes this world seem small as hell. I've been trying to gets some pics back from B for months now, he's just deleting my comments and ignoring me. I guess if he doesn't respond then I don't exsist. Anywho. Now that the pics I have up look like me and are pretty good I can get some decent responses and find someone I'd date maybe. Fingers are crossed, I've got less than 2 months left with match.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls

Can you guess who this is? Honest, even I can't believe it. Cameras really don't like me most of the time. These were taken by a good friend of my roommate this past Saturday. I think I'm gonna have to marry him now. :)

Thought this was cute

After every flight, airplane pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. These are claimed to be actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat

Remember me

I wrote in another post how one of my fears is being forgotten. When I mentioned this to my aunt she said I won't be, that S wouldn't have known who I was if he'd forgotten about me. That's not exactly what I meant. With me little things jar my memory all the time. A song, a place, a date, a flavor ice cream you name it and I get a smile because it reminds of someone. That someone could have been in my life many years ago, but the memory still comes up. I just would like to know that I'm remembered the same way. Not when I send an email or make a phone call, but when they hear or see something that we shared. Maybe it's a romantic thing, I don't know. To know that I'm still thought of every now and then, briefly, but with a smile.

"Just ask her if she ever still thinks about me, she says everyonce in a while." Blackhawk

No more

I was informed Saturday night that sympathy is somewhere between shit and syphilis. Ok, I get it. The reason my posts have been so doom and gloom is because I know I can go off here. I don't want my friends to have to listen to me anymore and you guys don't know me. It's just so I can get it off my chest. Keeping it all bottled up helps nothing and no one. This way I can write it out and work through it. I can b****, moan, and complain. It's very theraputic really. Anywho, I'm done with it for now. Thanx.

F**k You very much, Have a nice day!

So A and I went over to my aunt and uncles for dinner Saturday before we hit the Stampede. She hadn't met my aunt yet and they had a few more friends and family members over. It was supposed to be a nice dinner and for the most part it was. Here were the 3 draw backs... 1) My cousin A was is in a cranky mood and cranky 9 year olds can be a handful, 2) I'm still pissed at the world, and 3) one the friends M called A a trollup and a hoar. I always tease her for dating the 3 guys she is and ask how her entourage is doing. She constantly feels bad about dating 3 guys at once. I tell her that as long as she's honest with everyone then she's fine. They got brought up at this dinner and yes he called her those delicious words. Well, I'm already not the happiest and went off. She is NOT!
Then we have the Stampede. One of my very distant cousins K came with A and I. The 2 of them were determined to find me someone there. I just wanted to dance and have a good time. It was almost impossible with those two on me like that. Plus my mood made me just B****y. I'm still very angry. I feel hard, numb, uncaring, unfeeling, and really pissed off. This mess with B has screwed me up. I'm not me. I don't even know who the hell me is anymore. I don't know what I want, I have no dreams, hopes, or feelings left about any of it. I've shut down. I feel so empty right now. I feel like I need to let it all out, but nothing will come. There are no tears to fall. I don't give a damn about anything anymore. I'm through.
I can't stand to listen to myself whine and complain anymore. I have to find a way out of this. I don't know how to though.
Sorry, I know the last couple of posts have been nothing but b****, b****, b****. I'm tired of that too.