All the things you'll never know

My dearest S-

I'm writing this so I can at least get it off my chest. I've already sent you an apology and from here on out I'm leaving you alone. I know full well that more than 11 years has past since we last talked. I also know that we're not the same people that we were 11 years ago. You however have a web site and a blog. It gives me more than a glance into who you are today. Sad but true fact is that I can't get you off my mind. My heart hurts when I read your site/posts. You sound so very sad and alone. Your pictures are so very lonely. Don't get me wrong they are beautiful, but at the same time empty. All I want to do is take and hold you. Tell you that you don't have to be alone. That there is someone that thinks of you constantly, and cares for you deeply. How you ask when we haven't spoken in 11 years? I don't know. I'd like to believe that there is still a connection after all this time. I also know that I'm fooling myself. From the site I can tell you have a girlfriend/wife. She is very pretty. I just hope that she is what you need. Here I go again pretending that I know what you need. I did love you back then. I was young and immature. I don't want to make excuses like I just did. There is no excuse for what I did. I firmly believe that once you love someone you never stop or if you do it wasn't truely love. Love for someone stays in your heart forever. That said, you will always have a place in my heart. I need you to know that with the purest of intentions, S- I will always love you. You can call upon me for whatever, whenever you need anyone. I will always be there. You will never be alone. Damn how I wish I could really tell you all of this. I have the deepest of feeling that you don't have this with anyone in your life. The uncondition, nonjudgemental, unrestricted, pure love. There I go assuming again. How the hell do I know what you have or don't have?! This whole thing is driving me crazy. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with the fact that I need you to know how I feel. I say goodnight to you every night and wake up saying good morning. I can't let go. Please help me let go. Talk to me. Let me know that you're ok. Let me know that you're happy and that you're not alone, and I'll let go.

In the darkness I feel you
In the the daylight I feel you
I hear you
I see you
I talk to you
Please help me find you

Search me

I have got to find a way out of this rut. I go on day to day and fake smile after smile. I've gotten really good at pretending. Unfortunately it only makes everything worse. Here are three things that I know I need to move on 1) start exercising again 2) meditate more and 3) more work with P. Problem being with my mood the way it is I have absolutely no movtivation. I'm well aware that if I just do it then I'll feel somewhat better. It won't fix everything, but it's a start. I just never do. So I'm right back where I started. It's the full circle of hell.

Can't win for losing

So I answered the message from match yesterday. Actually I talked to 3 different guys yesterday. The one I liked though didn't answer me back again. I'm so very frustrated with this whole f'n mess. That's going to have to be my next session with P - Patiene. I have none when it comes to my life. I am so very tired of everything right now. I feel as though everything makes me cry lately. Today it's a very strong sensation. I just want to disappear right now. I want to run away crying. I don't want to be found, and yet I need to be held. There is no one I can turn to and no where for me to turn either. I can not take this anymore. Something has to change and change NOW! What the hell am I going to do? I'll take any outside advice right now. Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

Possibility

So I had an email waiting for me this morning from someone on match. This one actually shows promise. Picture looks good, profile is impressive, and he likes kids (a lot). All very good signs. There isn't really much to chat about today so I'll keep it short. Still haven't heard back from the person that I made the apology to. That's ok, I did it with no strings attached. Right? Oh well, I seriously need to move on. So I answered the guy from this morning and we'll see where that leads me. I'll keep ya posted.

Just sharing a good laugh

Need I say more?

Ok

So I just sent an apology to him. The one that I probably hurt 11 years ago. Yes, a bit over due, but he deserves it. Reason number 1 being that he did absolutely nothing to deserve how I treated him back then. He was a perfect boyfriend and a very nice person. Number 2 reason is that I made contact with him out of nowhere. If I'm going to just show back up then I need to apologize for my actions no matter how long ago. No excuses, no strings, just one big I'm sorry. It feels good.

As for online dating. Well, my picture is up and I'm atracting more guys, none of whom I'd even consider. So I'm trying to be patient and hope that something will come of this.

As for my job. No changes yet, just a lot of advice. I'll keep you posted on everything. For now I need to pretend like I work here.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I just checked the other blog/web site that I had mentioned a few days ago. Is it that I always want what I can't have? I love the way he writes, his photos, his sense of humor, and his thoughts on everything I've read so far. Yet he lives in Seattle and hasn't returned my last email which was well over a month ago. Unless I just show up on his door step (very uncool) then we'll probably never speak. It's driving me insane because I'd really like to get to know him again, and I haven't a clue what to do about it, or how to make that happen. I'd like to say "Oh well" and move on, but I can't get him out of my head.

Making up for yesterday

My mom sent this to me yesterday, and I figured I needed to be a little lighter today.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with,
never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best
conversation you've ever had.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also
true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you
back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart
but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to
get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone,
but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades
away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to
make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you
strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.
Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it
probably hurts the other person, too
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they
just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched,
and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of
people who have touched their lives.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and
everyone around you is crying.
The soul would have no rainbow, if the eyes had no tears."
Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved
ones shine down to let us know they are happy

One of my many soapboxes

Since I'm not dating anyone and am working on the other situation you get one of my many rants today. I apologize in advance for the length I know it will become.
I was raised a very strict Catholic girl; I even taught Sunday school for many years. Until my views on religion, politics, the world, and life as we know it did some changing. I consider myself to be very openminded and fairly well educated on life it's self. I have my own relationship with God, that no one else can take away from me. I quit teaching Sunday school because I was told to teach things I didn't believe. If only people would step back and realize that they don't have to be 100% right all of the time.
Catholics get confirmed to the church in high school. Not always the best idea, it is in thoose years that we are finding out who we are, testing the waters (so to speak), and arguing with anyone and anything just because we can. I was almost through the process when my mom pulled something. My best friend back then was Baptist, she had spent the night and went to church with us the next morning. On her way up to recieve Communion; my mother made her sit back down. You see the Catholic church says that because they don't view the Communion the same way we do they may not recieve it with us in our church. Man was I PISSED! I don't believe that the God we are taught to believe in would turn anyone away, so what gives her the right to? That afternoon I informed my parents that I would not be confirmed, I was converting to be Baptist. I'm sure you can imagine how well that went over. My dad took me on one of our many walks to talk things out. My dad is a very level head, kind hearted, generous soul. The explaination I got (and still use) is that picking a religion is like picking your best friend, you have a lot in common, but there are still things you will disagree on. That the bible was written by human beings, interpreted by human beings, and taught by human beings. None of whom are perfect. (Try telling that to the Catholic church!)
I don't even go to church anymore because they are firm on the fact that they are always right. I can't stand the fact that people today won't even listen to the middle of the road. I'm not going to go into all of my issues- Gay rights, abortion, separation of church and state, gun control, teen drivers, parenting, the list goes on. I am going to give this final thought.
There is no one right or wrong way, we live in a country built on freedom to be who we are , do what we want, and hopefully continue to grow. Yet we are taking more and more away from each other because too many believe their way is the only way. Our founding fathers can not be happy with what we have become; I know I'm not.

HELP

So I didn't answer any of my dates attempts to get a hold of me yesterday. I had a very long, not so great day and went home feeling like shit. Actually I felt like shit most of the day. He texted me, emailed me, and called me. All stating that he thought we had a good time and when can we do it again. Of coarse now I'm rethinking the second date. Mainly because I've come to realize that in order to resolve this other problem with money and my job, I need a new job. Problem being that I adore my boss and it takes so long for him to trust anyone and they'd be here doing the exact same thing as I am. I don't trust anyone to do my job at this point. I know that I have to look out for me, not selfishly, but self preservingly. And in the whole self preserving frame of mind, I need to take care of the job situation and get my head back on straight before I try dating. Number 2 against the second date is the missing chemistry. He'd be a good friend, but I don't see it going any farther than that. Honestly I don't want to hurt any of these guys, and now that I know what's going on I feel like I should take a step back and work on that first. It's the old saying that if you don't love yourself then no one else can either. I have to be happy with my life and where I'm at before I can share it with someone else. And it's very obvious that I'm not happy with much right now. Wish me luck.

Still bothering me

I forgot to mention one other detail about the date Sunday night. He said I have this goody two shoes ora about me. I really don't know how to take it, and for some reason it bothers me. I came back with the time I got kicked out of the bar in Loveland, the fact that I have a tatoo, that somewhere (actually I know exactly where it is) there is a CD with explicit photos of me, and few other details. Just because I know that there is a time and place for everything and I know how to behave in certain situations doesn't by any stretch of the imagination mean that I'm uptight and don't know how to have fun. Honestly, none of this should get to me, but it does. Only proving once again that I care far too much what other people think about me. I mean it was only a first date and I already stated that I wasn't completely hooked myself. So what the hell is my problem.

For the other problem in my life, I figured out what it is! I need something different. I want so much more out of life than what I have. And what is that you ask? Well I have a 6 day a week job that only helps me get by, I still live paycheck to paycheck, I can't ever seem to put money aside so I might be able to get ahead. Because I'm the only employee here, I can't take a day off, I can't get sick, I can't go anywhere anyway because I can't afford it or the day off. I want to be able to take day trips, travel in and outside the U.S., contribute more to society. Short and sweet, I want more. Honestly I don't think I'm asking for much either. Just more than the same day in day out routine, never going anywhere. So now the question is how do I get there from here?

Date number one

Before I go into the date last night I want to mention a blog I read from an old friend. We haven't talked in over 11 years, and I probably broke his heart, but every now and then I check out his site and blog to see how he's doing. First he's an amazing photographer and second his entry for Saturday, well I never knew he could write so well also. I don't have regrets in life because there is no point dwelling on what you can't change. I do wish that I could get to know him better now though. I've been following his postings now for quite sometime and I don't know what it is about him. Maybe the fact that he's 100% unattainable, I don't know, but I keep going back for more.
Anyway now about the date. Ok, so it may have been off to a rocky start, but that was all my fault. First I pushed back the time to 6:30 and then I was a good 5 minutes late. I'm not usually so inconsiderate. Actually I'm early to just about everything, unfortunately it was just one of thoose days. The chit chat went as well as could be expected for first date. He impressed me on numerous points. He's a firm believer in communication, which so am I, but have never gotten in a relationship. He also knows that relationships aren't fairy tales and that sometimes they need a little work. We are on par with musical taste and of coarse both love hockey. 4 hours later there was the kiss goodnight. I understand that the first can be awkward, but truth be told I wasn't impressed. Then there was major stike against him. When I got home I had a text say "by the way your welcome for the drinks." First I said thanks before we left the restaurant, he claims that I didn't but I know I did. I always do and I'm NOT that big of a bitch. Second I really didn't like the tone that came across in the text. If he was upset about it then say it like that, not the comment I got. There are soooooooo many better ways to handle that kind of situation. I like him, don't get me wrong; but with everything we have in common, I can't find that chemistry. I am going to do a second date just to be sure. First ones are often tense because we're trying to hard. Hopefully the second will give me a better idea. Right now I'm walking away with the, yeah I like him. He's a good guy, but there is something missing. Lightening, thunder, electricity.

Here goes nothing

I live in what is supposed to be the best city in the U.S. for singles. I'm coming quickly to the conclusion that the rating has nothing to do with the people that live here. I've been single for sometime now and I'll tell you what lives here - one night stands. There's plenty to do just not one decent soul to do it with. So here's the reason to start the blog, now my roommate has talked me into online dating. I've been on the site for about 2 weeks now and the prospects aren't much better. Yes, my standards are high, but no one should have to settle. I've talked to a couple of guys and am probably am going to meet one of them this weekend. I know that I'm jaded, my synicism grows with every new date, and I'm trying to be positive, but expectations are very low. It's going to be an interesting year to say the least. I'm tired of my job and burn out is coming along very quickly, I'm tired of dating, mostly I'm just tired. Here's what I want right now - I need to win a lottery, pay off all my bills, sell my car and buy my truck, and then just go away. I want to drive for weeks on end and have no worries, no where to be, and nothing that I have to do. With all that in mind we'll just have to see what happens.