The next step

So I met M (a new one of coarse) Friday for coffee. Really nice guy, much better than B. Cuter than his picture. No chemistry. I had to ask all the questions. He talked, but only after I pulled teeth.:) I liked this one. Oh well. I'm currently talking to 3 more. Two of which are here and believe it or not one is in New Mexico. I'm soooo not doing the long distance thing, and NO I'm not that desperate either. He seems like a nice guy and we've agreed to just be friends and chat. That, I can do. This initial only thing I use in the blog though is getting tricky. All 3 guys first initial is J. So here's the way these will be kept distinct #1 is just J, #2 is JT, and #3 in NM is JNM. J and I have been chatting for about a week, but I think there's not much interest on his behalf. Too bad he's kinda cute. I didn't see JT's pic until this morning because he doesn't have it on match. Some issue with posting it online. Whatever. I never should have answered because there is no attraction. I want people to look beneath my photo though, so I have to do the same. JNM, where do I begin? I answered his email because he wrote me an extensive one to start. He wants to be friends first. Considering my instability at this juncture it's probably a wise thing with all of them. So Ok.
As for the rest of my life. P told me that metaphysically speaking I need to make room for the changes I want in my life. Meaning that if I want a new job, I need to talk to Dr. If I want new clothes, I need to donate the ones I don't wear. To find the right relationship, I need to get rid of what I've been holding on to. So here's what I've done. Last night I went through THE BOX. I threw out wedding cards, engagement cards, anniversary cards, anything pertaining to our wedding or his family (that isn't in storage of coarse). I deleted all email from him and S. I also deleted the text messages I'd been saving. I haven't deleted his phone number just yet and I kept the cards and notes he wrote me. I can't just throw that out. Plan is to mail it to him. He can throw it out. I know he will. I can't. I cried for a good 20 minutes. I'm actually suprised it only lasted that long. I'm pretty proud of myself, for me it was a huge step forward. Next is the conversation I have been putting off forever. I have to talk to Dr. As A put it this weekened, there never will be a good time. I'll meditate and pray on it tonight. After that I need to go through my closet and dressers and pull anything I haven't worn in over a year for goodwill. I donated my old glasses this morning. Finally is the trip to storage to get rid of whatever I don't need. Including the wedding trunk.
Last night wasn't easy, but it also didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Proof that it's the right time, that I'm ready. For me it's definatley been baby steps. But it's time for new beginnings. New friendships, new relationships, new opportunities, new possibilities. Now I've got room for all that and then some.

Moving on

To me there is nothing worse in life than loss. Wether it be death of a family member/friend/pet, the end of a relationship, or just moving to a new city it sucks. The five stages of grief are Denial,Anger,Bargaining,Depression, and Acceptance. Now the fact is that everyone is different and every loss is different. That means that each of us handle the stages differently. They aren't always in a specific order (although acceptance is usually last), and each stage will last different lengths of time. I can always tell when I've moved to another stage or have altogether moved on. For me though, even after I've accepted it and moved on it still sucks. I now have this void. Of coarse something is missing, that's why they call it loss. I find new things to occupy my time, or for me obsess about. But it's never the same. I feel like I've lost a piece of me with whatever it is I let go of. By moving on with that part of my life I move on from that part of me. So instead I hang on for dear life. I just don't let go. I keep it with me and let it continue to hurt. That leaves no room for new people and experiences to enter. It's time to clean house. I'm not quite sure how. It won't be easy. Life rarely is. But it has to be done. Me being me you'll never be completely gone. "Just ask her if she ever still thinks about me she says everyonce in a while."

It's just me

If anyone out there really reads this blog they probably think my emotional levels are rather extreme. And they are. Honestly though it's just who I am. I wish I didn't feel everything so deeply, but I do. I am an extremely passionate person. I feel everything. For me it's very physical. I feel my highs and lows physically. I have a very deep empathy for others. I can't just meet someone. The second an introduction comes across they are with me forever. I care about them, and they have a place in my heart. I can't help it, it's just the way it is. Once again it's something my body reacts to. I feel it in my blood sometimes. It maybe hard to explain, but it actually runs cold. I feel things in my arms, my neck, my shoulders, my stomach. There is nothing that just passes by me. It always hits me like a mack truck. What others hear or see, I feel. When all of this does hit me I don't know what to do with it. Hence the tail spin I've been in for the past few days. I have got to learn how to handle this better.
I'm not discrediting my letter to S. By no means do I want you to think that I feel the same about everyone that I come into contact with. Yes, I keep everyone I meet close to my heart. Everyone touches me differently though. There are some (a very select few), that I have truely loved. Out of thoose few, you are the only one that I wrote about.
I have another date set up for tomorrow. Not really excited about any of them anymore. My self esteem has taken some blows lately that my body can't handle. Who can blame them? I am one hell of a basketcase. And I have a life without any of them in it. I have people that love and except me for who I am. I'm tired of trying to sell myself. Either you like me or you don't. Frankly my dear...

Simply forgettable

I've been thinking a lot about B lately. For the second morning in a row I cried in the car on the way to work. I don't know if I'm finally mourning the loss, or if it has to do with the recent dating exploits, or with the contact I had with S. I'd like to say I'm feeling numb, but that can't be true because I can't stop crying. I just don't know why. I'm definitely feeling a loss. I have very little motivation to chat with these guys on match. It takes everything I have to be cheerful and not negative. My hearts not in it anymore. It's somewhere in Florida.
What went wrong with B? Drug and alcohol abuse. Physical abuse. Something darker. I still remember the day we met. Just as clearly as the day he came home and told me he didn't love me. I remember it all as if it were yesterday. He lied to me, he cheated on me, he beat me, did he love me? Does he ever think about me? For me there are daily reminders. Here I go fucking crying again. I really do want to know that he thinks about me and smiles, every once in a while. I loved him with all my heart. I never do anything half assed. I pour everything I am into all I do. I tried so very hard to make it work. I just want to fucking know that I'm not forgettable. I remember everything, everyone, every touch, every sound, every scent, every moment I have ever come in contact with. I want to have meant something to someone. I want someone someday to be thinking I wonder what she's doing now. I'm very forgettable. No one thinks about me. I'm done with match. I don't need to be forgotten by anyone else.

!@#$%^&*?~!*&^%$#@:?!

I am actually shaking right now. I've had a really shitty weekend and the week isn't shaping up. Then this morning I come in and have an email from S! It's my own damn fault really. I left a comment on his blog with my signature for this blog. I thought I was safe. There is no mention of him on the main page. He went into my archives though. Who goes into the archives?! I don't go into the archives! Anyway, he found the letter and probably the other posts that mentioned him. Of coarse he figured out it was me. The email was very nice. I mean really nice. More than I deserve. To be honest it was what I asked for in the letter. That letter though was one of thoose you write and NEVER send! It was just to get it off my chest. I can't fucking stop crying. I feel like I'm being pulled apart one piece at a time. Inch by inch, slowly and very painfully, this world is going to distroy me.
Ok, I'm being very over dramatic. It's just that S finding that letter leaves me a little too vulnerable. Like I said I'm already feeling shitty. I might as well be standing nude, center ice in the pepsi center.
S, if you read this. FUCK, I don't know! Thank you for the email. I can't say that I didn't mean what I said, I did. I wish you nothing but the best out of life. You deserve it. I haven't had the experiences in life that you have. I am learning my lessons the hard way, and have been through a version of what hell is like. If you wish to stay in touch, I'd like that. If not, I completely understand. The past being just that. Just know that you can reach me anytime, anywhere and I'll be there.

Love @!*%&#

HEART, we will forget him!
You and I, to-night!
You may forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done, pray tell me, 5
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! lest while you’re lagging,
I may remember him!
Emily Dickinson

Really?

So I met with B on Sunday. Nice guy , NO chemistry. We really have a lot in common. Problem is that he doesn't look better than his picture (I had given him the benefit of the doubt in hopes that he would); he looks worse. Yesterday was just another reminder of what is actually out there. I'm getting very disheartened with the whole thing. I watched 2 movies yesterday based on true stories about love. It really didn't help any. I want to be in love. I want to be loved. I want someone that when I see them I light up. That I can cuddle up against at night and wake up next to in the morning. That with just a smile from him my whole day is wonderful. I want someone to share with. I'm feeling very lonely today. Can you tell?! I'm still working the whole match thing. I sent emails to two of them today. I know that I should have more patience with it too. It's just very discouraging. I turned it over it's out of my hands. I just wonder what they're waiting on. Maybe I'll do the cards tonight with A. Who am I kidding? Of coarse I'll do the cards tonight. I just want to know what I'm supposed to next to make this happen.

Ok

So, B and I talked for just about an hour last night. At this point everything seems pretty good. The conversation was fairly light and jovial. We are going to try and meet this weekend. Trying not to get my hopes up once again. I am going to let it be what it is. A first date. I need to learn not to fall into it so quickly. He really does seem like a nice guy at this point. No pressure. This time I'm taking it nice and slow. Get to know the guy first. I'm going to go into this knowing that he would be lucky to have me in his life. I'm not trying to be egotistical, just realizing my worth. Wish me luck.

I don't know

I know I haven't written in a while. I really haven't had much to say. M is still bothering me. He actually wanted to get together again and have dinner. He's chewed me out so many times that I can't believe he's still in contact. Now of coarse I turned him down again, he's calling me a slut and a hoar. He's just being mean this time around. I'm bitting my tongue and letting him vent. The next time he contacts me I'm going to threaten a call to the police. It's getting a bit out of hand. Red flags are everywhere for violent tendencies.
I just started talking to another guy though. This one we'll call B. He seems very down to earth. He is also working on restoring a '68 Mustang! Sweet! I love Mustangs. His profile is just very real. I've learned that they aren't always what they seem though from M. I knew that you can be anything you want on line, but M was a very rude awakening. So, I'm a bit more cautious this time.
Anyway I just figured I had to post something since it had been a while. I'll try to keep you updated on B. That is when there is something to write about.

In Memoriam

I found out yesterday that an old friend of mine commited suicide over the weekend. If there is one thing in life that I will never understand that's it. There were kids in school that commited suicide, kids. I remember the talks I had with my dad when it happened back then. They weren't friends of mine, but I certainly knew them. I guess the reason I'll never understand it is because I can't imagine being that so very far gone. I know that's a good thing. I've wanted to disappear before, but that never crossed my mind. The void that has to be there. I think you would have to be completely numb to everything to do this. The school refused to publish the kids that had killed themselves in the yearbook. I think it punished the other students more than the ones that had done it. They didn't have to memorialize them. Just their picture like everyone elses. All I can keep saying is that I just don't get it.
E - I hope you acheived whatever it is you were looking for. I pray for your family and for you. I pray that your family is able to cope and continue with their lives in peace and not guilt. I know full well what the bible says about suicide. Nonetheless, I pray for your own peace. In my thoughts, my words, and my heart Good Bye E.

"Men speak conveniently of love when it serves their purpose"

So here's the long version. M was supposed to call me Thursday to make plans for the weekend, he didn't. No skin off my back, I made plans for Friday. He calls me at 6:00 Fridat night and leaves no message. Then at 7:30 he sends a text saying that he hopes I have a good night out if we don't talk. I answer saying that he A) needed to call before 6:00 to make plans and then B) when he does leave a message. I also said he could call later if he wanted. So he does and once again no message. My evening ran later than I thought it would, when I got home I had 1 message and 2 text. I didn't answer when I was out because to me it's rude to pick up the phone when you're with other people. Well he basically reamed me out for not answering and accused me of playing games. I sent a text the next morning explaining it all, but had pretty much given up on this one going anywhere. To close way to fast. We only met once and he was already wanting me at his every beck and call. I am no one's beck and call girl!
Wait though it gets better. All I wanted for the game Sunday was to go out, have a beer, some wings and pizza, and a cigarette. No one to do that with I went on my own. Half way through the 4th period I got hit on. He was cute enough so of coarse I stayed and chatted. Around 10:00 my phone rings, yep, you guessed it M called 3 times in a 10 minute span. The 1st message just said give me a call. Number 2 was the I'm sorry. He blamed it all on work. He had some huge project going on and knew he would have to work the weekend and really wanted to see me. He said it hurt him. Number 3 started off saying this wasn't going to work (duh!) and he was really upset that he could never get a hold of me. That part of a relationship is being there for the other person and I wasn't.
WE WENT ON ONE DATE! There is no relationship. I'm certainly not going to sit around and pine over someone I just met. I have a life. I agree that it's good to be there for the person when needed in a relationship. We didn't have a relationship. I sent him a text when I got home and said that it wasn't going to work, and why. He messaged back saying ok and good luck. I felt pretty good about it all at that point. This morning I have an email saying that he's falling in love with me because I'm so flexible.
PYSCHO! I couldn't believe it. There are so many red flags it is not funny. My next move is too ignore all advances. I already told him that we are not going to work. My job is done.
As for the guy I met at the bar. That's not going anywhere either. It had a great start and I even gave him my number. Then he started preaching to me. Not lecturing, preaching the word of God. God and I have a very special relationship and I don't need anyone telling me how to work it. Especially in a bar at 1:00 in the morning after 5 beers. There has to be at least one normal guy left, doesn't there?

WOW!

So M called last night, and I only have one comment about his actions through out the evening.

"The more one knows, the less one believes."

THAT'S IT!

I've been on match for a month now and I can't do this anymore! Are my standards high? YES. Should I have to settle? NO. I deserve better than this. I'm getting hit on by LOSERS! And the ones I think aren't losers only want my pants off. I am so pissed right now. Yes, I'm good looking, there is sooooooo much more to me than that. I want someone that's my equal in looks, brains, and personality. So far I can honestly say that I am way out of their league. I just want to scream. So here it is. I'm turning it over. I know that there is someout there that is what I'm looking for. Just as I quit obsessing over M; I'm done obsessing over finding him. When the time is right he'll be there. I'm staying on match (mainly because it's already paid for) because I believe you won't find anyone doing nothing. But no more obsessing, I'm done. I've got 5 months left with match and I'm turning my search over to the powers that be. My lord, my angels, it is in your hands now.

Be careful what you wish for

I hate it when I'm right. I hate when other people are right. Why can't we all just get along? So M never called last night like he said he would. I've been played. Well, not really. Have you still been played when you knew exactly what was going on? It's not like I even ignored it. I just choose to sit back and enjoy the ride. I am far from stupid. All the signs were there and I even said it out loud. Maybe that's where it all went wrong. Never say the negative out loud. Not giving up yet, but I'm also not putting all my eggs in one basket ,so to speak. I am a human being. No - I'm a dedicated, exciting, loyal, playful, helpful, intelligent, natural, elegant, - beautiful, sexy, fun, kind, loving, gental woman! Damn it I'm a hell of a catch. I'm not egotistical believe it or not. I just felt like I needed to make the list. Now the trick is to find someone else that sees all of that in me too. I don't think that I'm really asking for all that much. So why the hell is it taking so long?

YabaDabaDoooo!

Holy Shit! Holy Shit! Holy Shit! Holy Shit! Holy Shit! Holy Shit! Holy Shit! Holy Shit! Holy Shit! He fucking called me last night. I went home after work absolutely exhausted. Gave my roommate the run down and we both kind of agreed that all he was looking for was the sex. Like I had said though, if that is all I was going to get out of it, well that's ok. The night was still amazing and empowering. It was so out of the norm for me. I held nothing back. I didn't sit there all night and second guess every move. I just did it. It was a huge ego booster. So after I accepted that it was what it was we went to bed. Sound asleep, I get woken up by my phone vibrating across the room at 11:00. Sure enough it's him. (I'm going to call him M from here on out.) I could tell right away that he was looking for a late night booty call. He mentioned how great the night before had been and how he was sitting there in his "boxer briefs" thinking of me. Horney little bastard huh?! He asked if it was ok to call the very next day or should he have waited a few days. I said that I don't play those games and he should do what ever he wanted. Reply - Ok I want to come over and go to sleep next to you. WHAMIE! Don't get me wrong it was a great idea. Now though I have to back off and slow down. I don't want or need a fuck buddy. So before answering I asked him exactly what he wanted from me. Reply - I want to be inside you, then fall asleep next to you, and sometime this weekend we could go out to dinner. I didn't let him come over. I don't want to be that easily accessible. He told me how he had a smile on his face all day. Ever feel like their telling you just what you want to hear to get what they want? He then tried for the phone sex. Honestly, I was exhausted and still couldn't believe he called, much less wanted to come right over. Remember it's a 45 minute drive, not exactly an easy midnight booty call. He told me he'd call tomorrow and we'll make plans to go out this weekend. Test number 2 - he didn't get what he wanted. Will he really call me today?
I tried very hard not to say what I was thinking. I can't believe you called. I was so sure I would never hear from you again. My roommate and I made a pact earlier in the night though. No more negativity, no more cutting things off at the kness. She and I both have of a way of sabotaging relationships with our negativity. So no more. I didn't say it. I'm letting it go. No more obsessing over it. I'm going to let it be what it is. Right now it's just a hell of a lot of fun!

Good Morning America

Remember the possibilty of an actual match from match? Well I met him last night. Unfucking real! I didn't get home until 4 in the morning. We met up just after 8. He decided with in 5 minutes that there was no attraction, said he was going to leave, and for some reason stayed. I'm not the kind of girl that jumps into bed with anyone. I've had 1 one night stand. And I held my ground, I didn't jump into bed with him. Just the back set of his car. My kness have got the worst bruises. We made many jokes about how it felt like we were back in highschool. The Sting album just kept repeating. He is so damn hot and has a very soft touch. I could look into his eyes forever. Now here's the trick. I'm fairly sure the only reason he stayed was to make the hour long drive worth his while. He got what he wanted, and yes I went into this eyes wide open. So now we'll see if he calls me again for a real date this time. Yes, I really like him. On the other hand, if he doesn't call it was still a great night. Hell, I got laid for the first time in 6 months!